That I may be paying for a Karma of sorts – from the way my life has spiraled out of control. I thought this sort of thing happens only once in your life – when you hit rock bottom and then some, only so that you can bounce back. But I guess, this happens more than once in someone’s life. I was told once by a friend that – maybe the first time when my life hit rock bottom, I didn’t choose the right path and therefore I am being given a second change to re-align, adjust and revamp or emerge if you will from the ashes.
I don’t know what to think – but the back to back misfortunes that have taken shape in my life – is beginning to take it’s toll on my health. Emotionally, mentally, physically and whatever else damage it is doing. I need a vacation. I get-away but it isn’t possible – now that I am caring not only for my mother, but also for my sibling – Who’s suddenly become disabled, mostly mentally.
I keep telling myself that hopefully all of this is temporary, and if I prayed hard enough, I would be able to find the strength to cope and manage all the hardships. After all there are folks in worse of conditions then myself. But I get sucked in to feeling scared…because for the first time in my life, I have no answers or solutions.
I was thinking last night while tossing and turning about everything that is going on – in my life, others close to me and the world of course. And while hyperventilating and missing a few important individuals in my life, I got to thinking about – just how much of our own personal s*** should we be dishing out in a public forum.
I mean some folks may appreciate the sharing, while others take offense and then a few may feel there is just too much info being shared. So, how do we pace our writings or decide on the best way to discuss the random thoughts going through our minds and just putting them out there…honestly I don’t even know why anymore?
Perhaps it’s the helplessness we feel, or I should just be talking about myself – when some things I don’t know how to handle anymore or the way I thought was best to handle them – isn’t really the better way, I feel the need to voice it somewhere. I don’t know, maybe hoping there is someone willing to listen… then again, or at the end of the day, what is all the listening going to change? The stuff I go through, like others, is my own personal craziness. Things I need to stay up nights occasionally to work through in my head – not necessarily to fix, but to find the means to cope mostly.
So…here we are.
This year has been pretty challenging for me – and just when I assumed the dust was settling, my sibling has been showing concerning signs of mental instability. But the more I spend time with him, taking him from one doctor to the next, a test here and there, blood work and other evaluations to get to the bottom of this most exhausting nightmarish hell we are enduring as a family, the more he expresses, that perhaps I am the one losing my mind…
I was watching a television show last night where a couple who’d been reading a newspaper together in bed, noticed an article about an old flame of the wife. The husband asked her if she ever thought about him, and she quickly said no – lying naturally while the scene panned to a decade earlier when she and he, the old flame, were at a cross-road about their affair. You see, she was engaged at the time to her now husband…
I used to think rejection was the worst of feelings – now I think they are the best thing ever that could happen – because with all the rejection I’ve received in my lifetime, I have grown so much and I am the better version of what I would have been otherwise:
Lately my ex and I have been meeting once a week or so to discuss the division of our SHTUFF. Things I don’t care much about, nor does he. At least I don’t think. But for shits and giggles we are figuring out how best ‘mostly’ for him to move out 100pct. You see when he initially left, he took all the necessities, since it happened so quickly, I don’t think he put much thought into his departure – he just needed to go, he said nearly running out of the door.
Eight or so months later, he contacted me and we met for coffee somewhere near my job and to my surprise I handled myself pretty well. I wasn’t mad or sad. I was actually more happy that I could see him and not feel a thing. Which makes me wonder – how long ago has our connection been over and done with.
The funny thing is after the second meet up, he asked if he could come back. And I really wanted to laugh, but I didn’t. Because I am still a nice person – no matter the a***hole in front of me. So, the nice me told him to give it time. That we needed each to figure out life on our own first. He said he would wait for me forever…and was willing to give me the space I need. But hoped it was sooner than later.
By the third meet, I noticed while talking to him, that he’s eyes are always wandering to past me, clearly distracted by what goes on around rather than the conversation – just like old times. Which is awesome – because it helps me hold my stand – that this relationship is truly over… Now if only I could enlighten him – I think I would be able to sleep at nights.
I was telling a friend of mine that I wasn’t feeling as inspired lately to start my next novel, and he suggested that I write short stories instead…and publish them directly online for your reading pleasure. 🙂
What do you think? Is that a good idea?
Normally I plan my two-week Europe trip for the month of September, because for some reason I get this strange feeling in my gut. And I rather avoid it then to go through it – call me a coward, I don’t care.
This year, there is no trip planned for the month. Not even a quick weekend escape because, I am doing everything in my power to face all of my problems – straight on. No running away, no hiding. Just deal with them all. And of course the worst this year is learning how to live alone.
There are days I love the fact I can come home and just do what I want and then there are days, I simply feel too alone. This doesn’t mean, I want him back, I just haven’t figured out how to fill that void. I don’t think I want another person in my life just yet, or…maybe not even. Considering I spend the past two decades being with someone, I could use the break to figure out who and what I can become without having a person in my life.
it’s interesting how I see life in a whole new light – especially when I get together with friends who have been with their partners for quite some time now, and some complain about their relationships, while others make excuses as to why they stick it out in a not-so-ideal situation. The bottom line is, they are too afraid to be alone.
I was. But now I’m not. He’s called and begged me to take him back, and I just don’t have the courage to tell him…I would rather be alone – maybe even – for the rest of my life.
I feel more peaceful this way…