And The Transformation Begins…

I was thinking all last night about what a waste of my time it is to continue dwelling on what’s happened. I mean really – I do need to move on. I get it, it may take me months and once in a while I may just lose it, drowning my sorrows over a bottle of wine or two and some chocolate – scratch that – potato chips or a bowl of nuts or something. But for now, I need to step out of this nonsense and just work on a transformation plan. Yup, all women do it or attempt to do it once their partners leaves them and mine starts – well – it starts in two weeks.

Two weeks because I vowed to my crazy friend that I would help her move city-to-the country and organize her life and once that’s over – July 15th – it will be my turn to working on myself to become the peaceful and fun loving person I once was so that I can welcome this new chapter in my life.

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What He Really Means…

As normal, my hubs and I had many conversations leading up to the breakup – or him leaving , which I decided to jot down here. Because in reality, what he says and what he means are the same thing. You just have to know how to read between the bull***.

Here We Go:

  • I am not really leaving for good.  He means: You are my fall-back gal. So please stand by because when things don’t go the way I am fantasizing about, I am coming back to you – that is…until the next time.
  • I just need space to think. He means: I need to f*** around or try to anyway because all the babes out there are waiting for me cause I am such a catch.
  • I will never forget you. He means: Until I find a woman willing to put up with my b.s. Then it’s all about her and you can go to hell. And when another one comes along, she can also go to hell.
  • We were never on the same page. He means: He wanted me to be understanding about him straying every couple of years.
  • You need to change. He means: Really nothing substantial. He just needs validation for what he is about to do.
  • Whatever happened to the sexy girl I married. He means: I keep comparing you to the P*** sites I just can’t get enough of.
  • We fight all the time. He means: You catch me cheating and that’s not cool. Just accept it b****.
  • I’ll always love you. He Means: Not really, but I have to say that because that’s how break-ups are done in the movies.

Next Up – What She Really Means

 

Today…

Today may be just another Monday to most of you, getting ready to go to work, or vacation or maybe just tending to chores and responsibilities. But for me – it’s my birthday. A day I normally spend on vacation somewhere in Europe – or  just a day trip to the wine region 50 miles from where I live. Vegas, or Disneyland – it didn’t matter. i spend it somewhere to celebrate getting old.

Funny thing, as a kid, I couldn’t wait to get older – and now all I want to do is stop time. Or get drunk enough to embrace it.

Anyway.

This is the first year, I will be spending it alone…and that scares the F*** out of me. Having to learn to be alone –  possibly for the remainder of my life. Funny thing is – a while ago, after a couple’s argument with my soon-to-be-ex,  I thought for a minute how great it would be to just be single and do everything on my own terms. And then I glanced over at him – and realized – nope. Life is good just the way it is.

 

Let’s Analyze the Breakup

I don’t believe that people just break up. Meaning to say, deciding it’s time to simply part ways – UNLESS – there is some other interest out there. One that they have already explored, or consider exploring, or are already so involved with, that there is no other way expect out of their current status quo.

With that belief, I always wonder who struggles through a breakup more. I used to think it was always the woman. But since the tables have turned and many more women are now the ones having the affair and leaving, men are also having a tough time coping with a breakup, sometimes to the point they simply can’t bounce back.

So, I don’t think it’s so much which gender suffers more – it’s more, who is the one being left behind.

This brings up another question –  is it an ego thing? Meaning. Do we, the ones getting dumped hurt more because our ego’s are bruised?

Because, I, for one, wake up each morning thinking today is the day, I am going to focus on the positive, and by nightfall I am so pissed off at the fact, that he dumped me considering all the reasons I had to do it first – but I didn’t – because I took my vows too seriously.

My Life From A Novel

Four plus years ago, I published my first novel. At the time, I had been sitting at a cafe in Rome, staring at a wonderful stationery store, and suddenly realized I needed to write a story about a woman who discovers her husband is having an affair, confronts him, he admits it, moves out and then she is faced with live without him…. The positive, she moves to Rome.

Hmmm.

What the heck was I thinking writing all that back then? Was it because I saw into the future, or was my subconscious wishing something crazy like that would happen to me in real life? Scary to think about it.  Although if I think back really hard –  my explanation would be that I simply fell in love with Rome figured there would be a great story to tell – that is all.

The interesting thing is that – now – I am sensing every chapter is unfolding – in real life. And if that is the case, then please bring on the ENDING!

 

 

A Scary Wake Up Call

After the driving to nowhere in particular, I ended up at a friend’s house. Mostly because she suggested I busy myself by helping her organize her relocation because of work.

My life-long friend’s back story goes like this. She’s been separated from her spouse exactly two-years now. And when I say separated I mean in distance, not so much in their daily communication via phone, text, emails and all else with him  mostly manipulating her every thinking, and plans to moving on or forward.

The end of their union is not my place to discuss, but what I am trying to say here is that, I thought I was emotionally in a bad place, until I got to her house and spend a week now, learning that after two years, she is still bitter, angry, jealous (because he’s moved on, but not really) and regrets leaving him? Oh my god seriously!  Not a good role model for me right now, or…is it a good thing I am witnessing what not to do?

Craziness…

Don’t Kick Me When I’m Down

At times like these you realize just how much your family and friends, who you know genuinely mean well, cannot really help you. In fact, their attempts to console you comes across wrong. It’s as if they were waiting for a situation like this to happen, to tell you how they really feel about you, or the changes they think you need to make about yourself and the ways you should have handled certain things – as if I am not already beating myself up over the mistakes I’ve made and at this stage I am even questioning my entire being.

I think the most disappointing is the fact, that besides the jabbing, or..pep talking, they are also expressing just how disappointed they are in me for falling apart. That I should be happy this all happened, and work on myself to move forward – but not until I’ve changed this or that about me – so the truth comes out.

I’m longing for the day when I wake up and none of this matters, and I am able to stand on my own and feel good about who I am, and that in the end be content that I’ve done my best.

 

 

After The Shock, A Course of Action Sets In

At my age, meaning to say I am not in my 20’s, conversations with myself to remain calm, cool and collected happen nearly every second of the day. And now, it is happening even in between the seconds. I honestly appreciate that I can rationalize everything better than I did in my youthful emotional state – back several decades ago.

The first thing I decided to do – in order to remain calm, cool, collected, was actually get in my car and drive to somewhere I haven’t been before, and establish myself temporarily in an extended stay.  Bizzare you may think. But it actually is helpful with overcoming my anxiety about the whole thing and slowly come to understand how we or I got here:

Let’s back track for a second –  Early May, while I was house and dog sitting for a friend who decided to join the military and needed to go to boot camp, the soon-to-be-ex hinted at the fact, our relationship wasn’t working, or that he wasn’t happy anymore – listing a million reasons of what I’d been doing wrong to cause the rift between us.  At first, I panicked, wondering what all I did wrong to push him away, or have him think this way, and during our many conversations, I took most of the blame. Because that’s the kind of fool I am. I was hoping we could work through it all, and I detailed a course of action for us to follow, perhaps take a week and disappear to a deserted island with him and see if we can fix whatever it was or is

Then, he stopped answering my calls, and text messages, and I went into hysteria, since I was 150 miles away from home – I had no idea what he was up to – although my gut had it right, thinking there had to be someone else. One day, I even drove back to the city with three dogs in tow, to get face-to-face with him, because I felt the type of conversation he was aiming to have – ending the relationship, couldn’t or shouldn’t be done over auto-corrected text messages which seldom made sense.

What sucked was, he stood his ground, blaming me for everything – from lack of communication, to me being in charge of our life too much, to me not making an effort to – not sure what he was saying because none of it made sense, in part because he had trouble explaining and in part because I was in too much shock to accept any of it.

And although he pretended to agree with my points, or concerns I detailed, he was determined to leave because the only question he couldn’t answer or look me in the face, when I asked point-blank was – is there another woman?

So he moved out, and I packed my car, and drove south to nowhere in particular, and picked the first extended stay I noticed off the freeway and checked in – hoping time alone will heal my aching heart and help me grow  – that is the plan.

I Shouldn’t Really Be Blaming Anyone Else But Myself

So this happened to me last night. Where I sat up suddenly and began hyperventilating, weirdly realizing, that all of this is really my fault…for giving him a second change – a long time ago.

You see, my theory on marriage is that – it is meant to last a lifetime, and one that is lived through good and bad times. I took my vow seriously, and committed to our relationship wholeheartedly. Maybe I am a fool, but I am a traditionalist. No I am a fool.

But over a decade ago, my husband had an affair with a co-worker, at a time when we were about to close on a house. I threw him out of the apartment we shared, but he didn’t go. He asked for forgiveness, begged for a second change, and did everything in his power to commit to our life together, chalking up his straying to a temporary madness. Although I was weary, questioning my decision, and hating myself for months, and maybe even years for giving in, I did all that I could to build our life back together again. He did his part – little by little – and the fact we bought a house seemed to help in the repair.

We sold the house when the market crashed, and moved back to the city we both grew up in. Spending the next decade vacationing and living life – I recall many occasions of him telling me – how happy he was and how he looked forward to us growing old together…until the beginning of May, when his inner dark side resurfaced – the one I saw over a decade ago and that’s how I knew…this time there was no turning back.

 

 

Everyone Says You’re Going To Be Fine

I announced the beginning to the end of my marriage to only a handful of family members – meaning to say – not that I announced it formally, they picked up on my out of the norm sad demeanor. You know the one that’s like a lost puppy, who hasn’t had food or sleep for a few days.  The ones that know me well, knew right away.

Anyway.

Everyone as normal felt the need to tell me what a great person I am and how my life will be better now that he is out of the picture, and that I have so much to offer and so many things to look forward to.  I know this, I tell them, and I appreciate all the pep talk – I mention thanking them repeatedly. But for now I don’t feel that way – although, come to think of it I am doing my own bit of pep talking at nights, while staring at the ceiling with the TV on mute. I can’t handle the quiet right now. Nor the fact, I have to sleep alone at nights. So I lay awake, thinking if I list all the good that could come out of the end to my marriage, I can endure or even have something to look forward to – at my age. Then I come full circle.

I still think it’s my mother-in-law’s fault…