At my age, meaning to say I am not in my 20’s, conversations with myself to remain calm, cool and collected happen nearly every second of the day. And now, it is happening even in between the seconds. I honestly appreciate that I can rationalize everything better than I did in my youthful emotional state – back several decades ago.
The first thing I decided to do – in order to remain calm, cool, collected, was actually get in my car and drive to somewhere I haven’t been before, and establish myself temporarily in an extended stay. Bizzare you may think. But it actually is helpful with overcoming my anxiety about the whole thing and slowly come to understand how we or I got here:
Let’s back track for a second – Early May, while I was house and dog sitting for a friend who decided to join the military and needed to go to boot camp, the soon-to-be-ex hinted at the fact, our relationship wasn’t working, or that he wasn’t happy anymore – listing a million reasons of what I’d been doing wrong to cause the rift between us. At first, I panicked, wondering what all I did wrong to push him away, or have him think this way, and during our many conversations, I took most of the blame. Because that’s the kind of fool I am. I was hoping we could work through it all, and I detailed a course of action for us to follow, perhaps take a week and disappear to a deserted island with him and see if we can fix whatever it was or is
Then, he stopped answering my calls, and text messages, and I went into hysteria, since I was 150 miles away from home – I had no idea what he was up to – although my gut had it right, thinking there had to be someone else. One day, I even drove back to the city with three dogs in tow, to get face-to-face with him, because I felt the type of conversation he was aiming to have – ending the relationship, couldn’t or shouldn’t be done over auto-corrected text messages which seldom made sense.
What sucked was, he stood his ground, blaming me for everything – from lack of communication, to me being in charge of our life too much, to me not making an effort to – not sure what he was saying because none of it made sense, in part because he had trouble explaining and in part because I was in too much shock to accept any of it.
And although he pretended to agree with my points, or concerns I detailed, he was determined to leave because the only question he couldn’t answer or look me in the face, when I asked point-blank was – is there another woman?
So he moved out, and I packed my car, and drove south to nowhere in particular, and picked the first extended stay I noticed off the freeway and checked in – hoping time alone will heal my aching heart and help me grow – that is the plan.