Imagine If We Could All…

Change the way we think. What a wonderful experience life would be – is the way I need to look at this whole thing.

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A Day In Reflection

Dreary days are the worst – especially when you are trying your best to stay upbeat and positive and think the future has the best in store for you.  I think it’s time for me to take another trip to somewhere sunny, warm and preferably with a pool where I can simply soak it all in – aiming to heal my aching soul.

French Music Helps

I realized on Sunday that I haven’t been listening to music since my road trip to nowhere specific over the past month. So, I grabbed my phone and clicked on Pandora and selected my French music collection. Insert here that my dog has also been high-strung and depressed just as much as I have been. So, the first song came on, an upbeat tune which quickly put me at ease and by song two I noticed my dog was also calming down and finally relaxing enough to fall asleep – which he hasn’t done when I am at home.

Since Sunday the station has been one day and night and I’ve been sleeping just fine.

Could it be – there is a light at the end of the tunnel?

Two Steps…I don’t Know really

Been moody since yesterday morning, even snappy perhaps, but all of it in private. So I reached out to ‘a friend’ I’ve known for over two decades to make small talk. Like text-talk. GAWD forbid there is actual conversations anymore. And just for s*** and giggles, I asked him if he thought one of my favorite actors was gay? And he laughed at me. You know the LOL and the HAHAHAHA. So I got quiet and shifted my attention to Candy Crush to combat the edginess.

Minutes later he asks – what’s the different?  I tell him, I was just curious since the image of that actor I have decided to use as the protagonist in my next novel and if he were gay, that would make it difficult for me to pen him in a torrid love affair between a man and a woman.

More HAHAHAHA and then the silence.  So I left it alone and moved on to something else – like feeling sorry for myself and tearing up and nonsense. Nothing productive. Insert here, I should go to the gym.

At midnight my phone illuminates and against my better judgment I squint to decipher what and who.

It was my friend – sending me a link to THIS

I swear I need new friends.

I Think I Need New Friends

This revelation came to me while I sat through a baseball game in the city, staring at my favorite pitcher make his come back after a dumb injury – his fault for not thinking straight about what leisure activities not to do during an actual season.

Anyway, I realized while scoping the bleachers, watching people interact, that I needed new friends. I mean, I need people in my life that haven’t known me a lifetime nor are too judgy or even overly opinionated about ME in general. These so called friends, who I thought are my friends, are hardly there anyway. It’s usually me who’s been there for them. And with this recent nonsense I’m going through, no one has bothered to touch base with me past the initial announcement I made about my status quo.  Why does that happen? The second you are almost too single or too alone, the friends scatter.

Maybe it’s for the best.  Out with the old – and in with the new – all around should be my mind-set. Not just in relationship, but also in friendships. The only question I have is – where the f**** do I start? Meaning, how does one make new friends, when THIS ONE is somewhat set in her lifestyle? Scratch that…hmmm, let me think about…

No seriously, where the f*** would one start to finding new friends?

A Checkup?

I scheduled a physical for today because I’ve been feeling too much under the weather lately and figured it was best to get myself checked. Although while I sat in the waiting area, I began to wonder why even bother? Or that perhaps I just need a real vacation, unplugged from all things reality. Not the running away I’d been doing.

My cheery doctor walked in, and shook my hand as usual, which, in my case doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it puts me under more stress. But I didn’t  want to burst her bubble.

Anyway, as always the first question she asks is – what brings you here today. And my first reaction always, a sigh – which I figure would set the tone, or maybe causes the doctor to brace herself – because let’s face it, sigh is the predictable in their line of work.

Today however, she sat there and actually listened to all the s*** I dished out and the more I spoke, the lower her jaw dropped – and although she humored me with an exam, she sat across from me and said – There is only one thing wrong with you – and I held my breath. Your heart…I gulped…she slid closer, and held my hand…and I am certain I turned pale. You are suffering from a broken heart – she said and I cocked my head back, wondering if she was mocking me. But she wasn’t. She was genuinely serious and repeated it again adding – and for that there isn’t much we can do except tell you that it takes time to heal a broken heart – and she wished me well and left the room.

Well this sucks…

First of Everything…

I’ve been running for a couple of months now…away from home just so I don’t feel the pain associated with my marriage coming to an end.

On Sunday, I drove back to the space, my hubs and I call home, and walked in through the door, holding my breath, or maybe it was that I couldn’t breathe knowing I would have to face it all – alone.

I didn’t unpack. I simply placed my luggage and things down and laid on my side of the bed, and just closed my eyes. I wasn’t ready to be alone in that space – the studio – if you need a visual.

Monday I woke up, returned the car rental, went to my dentist and then to the grocery store, to…to shop for one. Then attempted to make dinner for one and failed miserably, tearing up over slicing string beans – reflecting on how we used to have small talk over me cooking and him just being in the kitchen.

Now, I have to eat alone, watch TV alone, go to bed alone, and wake up alone…the reality of it all sunk in too, too deep…do I run away again or face it, and hope that I can endure…

A Not So Good Day(s)

Since my last post, I had decided I wasn’t going to focus on the bad. Which 90…80…70…okay 60pct of the time I am not doing. The other 40, seems I am unintentionally breaking down.

For example. I’ve been staying away from my house for weeks now. Staying with a good friend down in Southern Cal and even a few hotels up and down the coast – just so I don’t have to have any reminders of…you know what.

This past weekend I had to go back to the house, and sort of handle bills, a few clean up issues and physically go into work – since I’ve been remote working the last few weeks.

As I pulled into the driveway I panicked and had a very difficult time going inside, and all of a sudden all I could do is unload my luggage and frivolous things and leave the house, for the entire day running the streets, from store to store, to mall to movies – anything not to be home. I hate it how I was feeling

And then the stupidest thing I did was reach out to him – to tell him he had some important mail at the house, which led us to get together for the afternoon so I could give him his mail and he – my birthday present which he’d bought over a month ago, right after he left.

We did some talking – at first the not-so-important topics and then a few catching up and minor exchange of regrets. I don’t know how real the latter was, because it didn’t resonate with me as it should have – perhaps I’ve gotten accustomed to the norm his shitty behavior had become over the years.

It was heartbreaking to see him, but it was also a good thing – because it helped me realize things I am not yet ready to say here. And then Sunday came and went, and I cried, and curled up into a ball on my bed, with my dog by my side, confused as to the way I am behaving lately. And Monday morning I woke up at 4 and drove right back to my friend’s house to take refuge.

One step forward – twenty back…