…I have nothing to write?
I think maturity has kicked in and I realized the other day, while sitting among the extended family members, dining and reminiscing about the good old days, that I had nothing to say. Meaning, I didn’t want to reflect, I didn’t want to project, and I sure as hell didn’t want to voice any opinion about the past, the future nor the next hour. I think the world is all talked out.
Is this a sign of getting old…yikes!
Isn’t that the truth.
I always wonder why we are blind-sided by love, or the idea of love? And when we think we are inLOVE, we only see the positives.
But since I’ve parted ways with my husband, I realize that all the years we were together, I hardly paid attention to the red-flags or maybe, I simply dismissed them. I could chalk it up to youth and/or being inexperienced, but really it boils down to being insecure and maybe even just plain dumb.
Recently we got together for a talk. A talk he initiated, and I had no idea it was because he was aiming to get back together – that’s the kind of talk I am referring to. After spending a couple of hours with him – literally walking on egg shells because I was doing my best not to buckle and give in – something came over me and I managed to say NO to him – about him moving back in.
Because all I am able to see now is the sides to him that makes me feel jittery and not in a good way (if there is such a thing), and that I know that if I let him back into my life again…he would crush me in no time and that I am no longer willing to live with.
I once heard this quote from a friend I was having a cocktail or two or three with after work. When the two of us got together and bitched about how stressful and crazy our lives were. Mostly because the kids were very young, and jobs were demanding and husbands perhaps even more demanding. She told me “just remember wildflowers spring up in the middle of nowhere.” And I didn’t understand what she was trying to tell me or perhaps I had one too many.
Fast forward 10 years.
I saw the quote a couple of days ago, not sure where and who from but it reminded me of her. And the fact, that I completely believe that I am going to be okay…by myself (for now). Absolutely looking forward to all the possibilities life has to offer…after all the dust settles. And I think it’s going to be worth every while. 🙂