Mind Boggling Indeed…

This year has been pretty challenging for me – and just when I assumed the dust was settling, my sibling has been showing concerning signs of mental instability. But the more I spend time with him, taking him from one doctor to the next, a test here and there, blood work and other evaluations to get to the bottom of this most exhausting nightmarish hell we are enduring as a family, the more he expresses, that perhaps I am the one losing my mind…

 

 

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Reminding Yourself Everyday…

I used to think rejection was the worst of feelings – now I think they are the best thing ever that could happen – because with all the rejection I’ve received in my lifetime, I have grown so much and I am the better version of what I would have been otherwise:

Ever Wonder Your Purpose…

I seldom wonder what my purpose in life is, but I know a few of my friends who often inquire about theirs and even engage me in conversation about the topic – asking me what I thought their purpose was? And I find myself giving them long and drawn out explanations and even guiding them towards their purpose in life.

And then I thought about it one night, after watching a French film on television, about a man who gives too much but never gets anything in return….that…

my purpose in life is…to protect you from yourself dear friends and family.
{photo source – I would love to give credit if only I remembered where I found this beautiful photo}

Can It Be…

…I have nothing to write?

I think maturity has kicked in and I realized the other day, while sitting among the extended family members, dining and reminiscing about the good old days, that I had nothing to say. Meaning, I didn’t want to reflect, I didn’t want to project, and I sure as hell didn’t want to voice any opinion about the past, the future nor the next hour. I think the world is all talked out.

Is this a sign of getting old…yikes!

Two Steps…I don’t Know really

Been moody since yesterday morning, even snappy perhaps, but all of it in private. So I reached out to ‘a friend’ I’ve known for over two decades to make small talk. Like text-talk. GAWD forbid there is actual conversations anymore. And just for s*** and giggles, I asked him if he thought one of my favorite actors was gay? And he laughed at me. You know the LOL and the HAHAHAHA. So I got quiet and shifted my attention to Candy Crush to combat the edginess.

Minutes later he asks – what’s the different?  I tell him, I was just curious since the image of that actor I have decided to use as the protagonist in my next novel and if he were gay, that would make it difficult for me to pen him in a torrid love affair between a man and a woman.

More HAHAHAHA and then the silence.  So I left it alone and moved on to something else – like feeling sorry for myself and tearing up and nonsense. Nothing productive. Insert here, I should go to the gym.

At midnight my phone illuminates and against my better judgment I squint to decipher what and who.

It was my friend – sending me a link to THIS

I swear I need new friends.

My Life From A Novel

Four plus years ago, I published my first novel. At the time, I had been sitting at a cafe in Rome, staring at a wonderful stationery store, and suddenly realized I needed to write a story about a woman who discovers her husband is having an affair, confronts him, he admits it, moves out and then she is faced with live without him…. The positive, she moves to Rome.

Hmmm.

What the heck was I thinking writing all that back then? Was it because I saw into the future, or was my subconscious wishing something crazy like that would happen to me in real life? Scary to think about it.  Although if I think back really hard –  my explanation would be that I simply fell in love with Rome figured there would be a great story to tell – that is all.

The interesting thing is that – now – I am sensing every chapter is unfolding – in real life. And if that is the case, then please bring on the ENDING!

 

 

A Scary Wake Up Call

After the driving to nowhere in particular, I ended up at a friend’s house. Mostly because she suggested I busy myself by helping her organize her relocation because of work.

My life-long friend’s back story goes like this. She’s been separated from her spouse exactly two-years now. And when I say separated I mean in distance, not so much in their daily communication via phone, text, emails and all else with him  mostly manipulating her every thinking, and plans to moving on or forward.

The end of their union is not my place to discuss, but what I am trying to say here is that, I thought I was emotionally in a bad place, until I got to her house and spend a week now, learning that after two years, she is still bitter, angry, jealous (because he’s moved on, but not really) and regrets leaving him? Oh my god seriously!  Not a good role model for me right now, or…is it a good thing I am witnessing what not to do?

Craziness…

It’s Not You, It’s Me Topic

A month ago I noticed the strangest look on my husband’s face and instantly I realized he was having an affair. Although he danced around the topic, pretending he was simply in need of space to work through his mid-life, I knew deep down he was leaving me for another woman.

Just another casualty of love…and trust

He left Tuesday, packed up his stuff and said he’ll be back for the rest – so cliche, I know. But I almost feel like there is a manual for the men who are ready to walk out on their marriage  – one they refer to page by page and apply the best technique to minimize ‘dealing’ with drama from the person they are walking out on.

Sure I am angry, devastated, hurt, lost, confused, caught-of-guard, and most of all annoyed at the fact, that he sat their and denied he was leaving me for another woman.

Our story is long, heart-breaking, a struggle for over 30 years, and just when I thought we were going to grow old together, which he verbalized he was looking forward to, planning the best years of our lives together, he packs up his s*** and left…

Stay tuned for Chapter 1