Can It Be…

…I have nothing to write?

I think maturity has kicked in and I realized the other day, while sitting among the extended family members, dining and reminiscing about the good old days, that I had nothing to say. Meaning, I didn’t want to reflect, I didn’t want to project, and I sure as hell didn’t want to voice any opinion about the past, the future nor the next hour. I think the world is all talked out.

Is this a sign of getting old…yikes!

A Not So Good Day(s)

Since my last post, I had decided I wasn’t going to focus on the bad. Which 90…80…70…okay 60pct of the time I am not doing. The other 40, seems I am unintentionally breaking down.

For example. I’ve been staying away from my house for weeks now. Staying with a good friend down in Southern Cal and even a few hotels up and down the coast – just so I don’t have to have any reminders of…you know what.

This past weekend I had to go back to the house, and sort of handle bills, a few clean up issues and physically go into work – since I’ve been remote working the last few weeks.

As I pulled into the driveway I panicked and had a very difficult time going inside, and all of a sudden all I could do is unload my luggage and frivolous things and leave the house, for the entire day running the streets, from store to store, to mall to movies – anything not to be home. I hate it how I was feeling

And then the stupidest thing I did was reach out to him – to tell him he had some important mail at the house, which led us to get together for the afternoon so I could give him his mail and he – my birthday present which he’d bought over a month ago, right after he left.

We did some talking – at first the not-so-important topics and then a few catching up and minor exchange of regrets. I don’t know how real the latter was, because it didn’t resonate with me as it should have – perhaps I’ve gotten accustomed to the norm his shitty behavior had become over the years.

It was heartbreaking to see him, but it was also a good thing – because it helped me realize things I am not yet ready to say here. And then Sunday came and went, and I cried, and curled up into a ball on my bed, with my dog by my side, confused as to the way I am behaving lately. And Monday morning I woke up at 4 and drove right back to my friend’s house to take refuge.

One step forward – twenty back…

And The Transformation Begins…

I was thinking all last night about what a waste of my time it is to continue dwelling on what’s happened. I mean really – I do need to move on. I get it, it may take me months and once in a while I may just lose it, drowning my sorrows over a bottle of wine or two and some chocolate – scratch that – potato chips or a bowl of nuts or something. But for now, I need to step out of this nonsense and just work on a transformation plan. Yup, all women do it or attempt to do it once their partners leaves them and mine starts – well – it starts in two weeks.

Two weeks because I vowed to my crazy friend that I would help her move city-to-the country and organize her life and once that’s over – July 15th – it will be my turn to working on myself to become the peaceful and fun loving person I once was so that I can welcome this new chapter in my life.

Today…

Today may be just another Monday to most of you, getting ready to go to work, or vacation or maybe just tending to chores and responsibilities. But for me – it’s my birthday. A day I normally spend on vacation somewhere in Europe – or  just a day trip to the wine region 50 miles from where I live. Vegas, or Disneyland – it didn’t matter. i spend it somewhere to celebrate getting old.

Funny thing, as a kid, I couldn’t wait to get older – and now all I want to do is stop time. Or get drunk enough to embrace it.

Anyway.

This is the first year, I will be spending it alone…and that scares the F*** out of me. Having to learn to be alone –  possibly for the remainder of my life. Funny thing is – a while ago, after a couple’s argument with my soon-to-be-ex,  I thought for a minute how great it would be to just be single and do everything on my own terms. And then I glanced over at him – and realized – nope. Life is good just the way it is.

 

Let’s Analyze the Breakup

I don’t believe that people just break up. Meaning to say, deciding it’s time to simply part ways – UNLESS – there is some other interest out there. One that they have already explored, or consider exploring, or are already so involved with, that there is no other way expect out of their current status quo.

With that belief, I always wonder who struggles through a breakup more. I used to think it was always the woman. But since the tables have turned and many more women are now the ones having the affair and leaving, men are also having a tough time coping with a breakup, sometimes to the point they simply can’t bounce back.

So, I don’t think it’s so much which gender suffers more – it’s more, who is the one being left behind.

This brings up another question –  is it an ego thing? Meaning. Do we, the ones getting dumped hurt more because our ego’s are bruised?

Because, I, for one, wake up each morning thinking today is the day, I am going to focus on the positive, and by nightfall I am so pissed off at the fact, that he dumped me considering all the reasons I had to do it first – but I didn’t – because I took my vows too seriously.

After The Shock, A Course of Action Sets In

At my age, meaning to say I am not in my 20’s, conversations with myself to remain calm, cool and collected happen nearly every second of the day. And now, it is happening even in between the seconds. I honestly appreciate that I can rationalize everything better than I did in my youthful emotional state – back several decades ago.

The first thing I decided to do – in order to remain calm, cool, collected, was actually get in my car and drive to somewhere I haven’t been before, and establish myself temporarily in an extended stay.  Bizzare you may think. But it actually is helpful with overcoming my anxiety about the whole thing and slowly come to understand how we or I got here:

Let’s back track for a second –  Early May, while I was house and dog sitting for a friend who decided to join the military and needed to go to boot camp, the soon-to-be-ex hinted at the fact, our relationship wasn’t working, or that he wasn’t happy anymore – listing a million reasons of what I’d been doing wrong to cause the rift between us.  At first, I panicked, wondering what all I did wrong to push him away, or have him think this way, and during our many conversations, I took most of the blame. Because that’s the kind of fool I am. I was hoping we could work through it all, and I detailed a course of action for us to follow, perhaps take a week and disappear to a deserted island with him and see if we can fix whatever it was or is

Then, he stopped answering my calls, and text messages, and I went into hysteria, since I was 150 miles away from home – I had no idea what he was up to – although my gut had it right, thinking there had to be someone else. One day, I even drove back to the city with three dogs in tow, to get face-to-face with him, because I felt the type of conversation he was aiming to have – ending the relationship, couldn’t or shouldn’t be done over auto-corrected text messages which seldom made sense.

What sucked was, he stood his ground, blaming me for everything – from lack of communication, to me being in charge of our life too much, to me not making an effort to – not sure what he was saying because none of it made sense, in part because he had trouble explaining and in part because I was in too much shock to accept any of it.

And although he pretended to agree with my points, or concerns I detailed, he was determined to leave because the only question he couldn’t answer or look me in the face, when I asked point-blank was – is there another woman?

So he moved out, and I packed my car, and drove south to nowhere in particular, and picked the first extended stay I noticed off the freeway and checked in – hoping time alone will heal my aching heart and help me grow  – that is the plan.

Everyone Says You’re Going To Be Fine

I announced the beginning to the end of my marriage to only a handful of family members – meaning to say – not that I announced it formally, they picked up on my out of the norm sad demeanor. You know the one that’s like a lost puppy, who hasn’t had food or sleep for a few days.  The ones that know me well, knew right away.

Anyway.

Everyone as normal felt the need to tell me what a great person I am and how my life will be better now that he is out of the picture, and that I have so much to offer and so many things to look forward to.  I know this, I tell them, and I appreciate all the pep talk – I mention thanking them repeatedly. But for now I don’t feel that way – although, come to think of it I am doing my own bit of pep talking at nights, while staring at the ceiling with the TV on mute. I can’t handle the quiet right now. Nor the fact, I have to sleep alone at nights. So I lay awake, thinking if I list all the good that could come out of the end to my marriage, I can endure or even have something to look forward to – at my age. Then I come full circle.

I still think it’s my mother-in-law’s fault…

 

 

Is It The Mother (in-law)?

You know when you’re first told – your partner wants to leave – in my case mine, the first thing you or in this case I did was go into denial. I spend the next few days rationalizing all the why’s and strangely enough came to the conclusion, it was all my mother-in-law’s fault.

Don’t get me wrong, she and I are on good terms and we keep a sort of open communication – past the language barrier and although she did apologize, because she wondered if she came between us – I told her it wasn’t her fault.  I may have lied.

But last night while driving across the state aiming to disappear somewhere for a while so I can think straight, I realized – she may be right thinking it is partly her fault or just maybe the curse of her presence?

Let me explain: Three sons, one mother, dad who’s passed away. Each time she visits/long term with one of her sons, their marriage, strangely timed, comes to an end…

Is that weird to think?

Maybe. Maybe not. Let me explore some more and let you know if my thinking is legit or I am not paying attention to the bigger picture.

Stay tuned if you like…

What I Would Tell My Younger Self, if I could

Easier said then done, this one statement most of us utter over cocktails at some uncomfortable get-together or among a group of close friends on holiday over beer and tapas.

But the fact of the matter is, if I could, I would tell my younger self – to look wayyy into the future, and see how it is I want to end up…and then plan each day accordingly…or just follow your dreams.

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