I announced the beginning to the end of my marriage to only a handful of family members – meaning to say – not that I announced it formally, they picked up on my out of the norm sad demeanor. You know the one that’s like a lost puppy, who hasn’t had food or sleep for a few days. The ones that know me well, knew right away.
Everyone as normal felt the need to tell me what a great person I am and how my life will be better now that he is out of the picture, and that I have so much to offer and so many things to look forward to. I know this, I tell them, and I appreciate all the pep talk – I mention thanking them repeatedly. But for now I don’t feel that way – although, come to think of it I am doing my own bit of pep talking at nights, while staring at the ceiling with the TV on mute. I can’t handle the quiet right now. Nor the fact, I have to sleep alone at nights. So I lay awake, thinking if I list all the good that could come out of the end to my marriage, I can endure or even have something to look forward to – at my age. Then I come full circle.
I still think it’s my mother-in-law’s fault…
You know when you’re first told – your partner wants to leave – in my case mine, the first thing you or in this case I did was go into denial. I spend the next few days rationalizing all the why’s and strangely enough came to the conclusion, it was all my mother-in-law’s fault.
Don’t get me wrong, she and I are on good terms and we keep a sort of open communication – past the language barrier and although she did apologize, because she wondered if she came between us – I told her it wasn’t her fault. I may have lied.
But last night while driving across the state aiming to disappear somewhere for a while so I can think straight, I realized – she may be right thinking it is partly her fault or just maybe the curse of her presence?
Let me explain: Three sons, one mother, dad who’s passed away. Each time she visits/long term with one of her sons, their marriage, strangely timed, comes to an end…
Is that weird to think?
Maybe. Maybe not. Let me explore some more and let you know if my thinking is legit or I am not paying attention to the bigger picture.
Stay tuned if you like…
Easier said then done, this one statement most of us utter over cocktails at some uncomfortable get-together or among a group of close friends on holiday over beer and tapas.
But the fact of the matter is, if I could, I would tell my younger self – to look wayyy into the future, and see how it is I want to end up…and then plan each day accordingly…or just follow your dreams.
That my blood pressure was high, and that perhaps it was time for me to consider some changes in my lifestyle…
So, I logged off of Facebook…
I finally admitted to the vet this morning, that I am concerned that my dog has too much anxiety, to the point where even the glass of wine I am having with my dinner at night is not doing the trick. She suggested a calming diffuser, which of course I bought and the second I walked in through the door I plugged it in.
Now I’m sleepy… and he is still whining.
I read into things all the time. At first, I assumed it was only because I was a curious person – until I started to write stories, short ones in the beginning, then a novel here and there, the craft forcing me to read into things even more. With that said, I have to point out, just yesterday, at 4:30p to be precise the clouds began to form over the Pacific ocean, the view from my home office window, hypnotizing and exciting me into writing about a stormy relationship in my next novel. Call me crazy, but I think those aspiring to write, understand where I’m coming from.
I could very well ask where has the year gone? But I won’t. I already know where it’s gone, and what a challenging year it’s been. I’m ready, very ready for 2015, in hopes that all I have gone through this year will be behind me, and I can look ahead again, planning as always, determined, to succeed, and truly driven. So here’s to December, the month where I spend re-evaluating what has been and what is yet to come…
I come from a traditional upbringing, in my youth, experiencing nothing but rules, and lectures. Come to think of it, it lasted well into my early twenties, until I left home, feeling the need to explore, craving to learn all that was out there,making my own choices, not once frightened nor timid about taking chances. I have no regrets, even when I look back, which I seldom do – in my opinion, this step only hindering one’s progress… (to be continued)
On days where I have deep discussions about life, health and possible plans for all the uncertainties with all members of my immediate family, draining me.
Mostly on Sunday afternoons, this thought goes through my head while I prep myself emotionally for the week ahead.
Good plan, especially on days when nothing seems to be going well.
This is a great suggestion. One I use always. Not only does it make someone feel better, but it helps me feel better about myself.
When I saw this somewhere online, and I feel bad that I have no reference point as to where or what site it was. I laughed. It was all I could do. It’s the perfect truth, detailed simply in art. But then I wonder, if life were as simple as a straight line, and every plan is accomplished very easily, would I be so bored, and would I then see the pictures opposite? Longing to just have a few bumps in the road. Has anyone been in either position and thought the other option was better? I wonder…