I used to think rejection was the worst of feelings – now I think they are the best thing ever that could happen – because with all the rejection I’ve received in my lifetime, I have grown so much and I am the better version of what I would have been otherwise:
Normally I plan my two-week Europe trip for the month of September, because for some reason I get this strange feeling in my gut. And I rather avoid it then to go through it – call me a coward, I don’t care.
This year, there is no trip planned for the month. Not even a quick weekend escape because, I am doing everything in my power to face all of my problems – straight on. No running away, no hiding. Just deal with them all. And of course the worst this year is learning how to live alone.
There are days I love the fact I can come home and just do what I want and then there are days, I simply feel too alone. This doesn’t mean, I want him back, I just haven’t figured out how to fill that void. I don’t think I want another person in my life just yet, or…maybe not even. Considering I spend the past two decades being with someone, I could use the break to figure out who and what I can become without having a person in my life.
it’s interesting how I see life in a whole new light – especially when I get together with friends who have been with their partners for quite some time now, and some complain about their relationships, while others make excuses as to why they stick it out in a not-so-ideal situation. The bottom line is, they are too afraid to be alone.
I was. But now I’m not. He’s called and begged me to take him back, and I just don’t have the courage to tell him…I would rather be alone – maybe even – for the rest of my life.
I feel more peaceful this way…
I once heard this quote from a friend I was having a cocktail or two or three with after work. When the two of us got together and bitched about how stressful and crazy our lives were. Mostly because the kids were very young, and jobs were demanding and husbands perhaps even more demanding. She told me “just remember wildflowers spring up in the middle of nowhere.” And I didn’t understand what she was trying to tell me or perhaps I had one too many.
Fast forward 10 years.
I saw the quote a couple of days ago, not sure where and who from but it reminded me of her. And the fact, that I completely believe that I am going to be okay…by myself (for now). Absolutely looking forward to all the possibilities life has to offer…after all the dust settles. And I think it’s going to be worth every while. 🙂
Dreary days are the worst – especially when you are trying your best to stay upbeat and positive and think the future has the best in store for you. I think it’s time for me to take another trip to somewhere sunny, warm and preferably with a pool where I can simply soak it all in – aiming to heal my aching soul.
Been moody since yesterday morning, even snappy perhaps, but all of it in private. So I reached out to ‘a friend’ I’ve known for over two decades to make small talk. Like text-talk. GAWD forbid there is actual conversations anymore. And just for s*** and giggles, I asked him if he thought one of my favorite actors was gay? And he laughed at me. You know the LOL and the HAHAHAHA. So I got quiet and shifted my attention to Candy Crush to combat the edginess.
Minutes later he asks – what’s the different? I tell him, I was just curious since the image of that actor I have decided to use as the protagonist in my next novel and if he were gay, that would make it difficult for me to pen him in a torrid love affair between a man and a woman.
More HAHAHAHA and then the silence. So I left it alone and moved on to something else – like feeling sorry for myself and tearing up and nonsense. Nothing productive. Insert here, I should go to the gym.
At midnight my phone illuminates and against my better judgment I squint to decipher what and who.
It was my friend – sending me a link to THIS
I swear I need new friends.
On Sunday, I drove back to the space, my hubs and I call home, and walked in through the door, holding my breath, or maybe it was that I couldn’t breathe knowing I would have to face it all – alone.
I didn’t unpack. I simply placed my luggage and things down and laid on my side of the bed, and just closed my eyes. I wasn’t ready to be alone in that space – the studio – if you need a visual.
Monday I woke up, returned the car rental, went to my dentist and then to the grocery store, to…to shop for one. Then attempted to make dinner for one and failed miserably, tearing up over slicing string beans – reflecting on how we used to have small talk over me cooking and him just being in the kitchen.
Now, I have to eat alone, watch TV alone, go to bed alone, and wake up alone…the reality of it all sunk in too, too deep…do I run away again or face it, and hope that I can endure…
Since my last post, I had decided I wasn’t going to focus on the bad. Which 90…80…70…okay 60pct of the time I am not doing. The other 40, seems I am unintentionally breaking down.
For example. I’ve been staying away from my house for weeks now. Staying with a good friend down in Southern Cal and even a few hotels up and down the coast – just so I don’t have to have any reminders of…you know what.
This past weekend I had to go back to the house, and sort of handle bills, a few clean up issues and physically go into work – since I’ve been remote working the last few weeks.
As I pulled into the driveway I panicked and had a very difficult time going inside, and all of a sudden all I could do is unload my luggage and frivolous things and leave the house, for the entire day running the streets, from store to store, to mall to movies – anything not to be home. I hate it how I was feeling
And then the stupidest thing I did was reach out to him – to tell him he had some important mail at the house, which led us to get together for the afternoon so I could give him his mail and he – my birthday present which he’d bought over a month ago, right after he left.
We did some talking – at first the not-so-important topics and then a few catching up and minor exchange of regrets. I don’t know how real the latter was, because it didn’t resonate with me as it should have – perhaps I’ve gotten accustomed to the norm his shitty behavior had become over the years.
It was heartbreaking to see him, but it was also a good thing – because it helped me realize things I am not yet ready to say here. And then Sunday came and went, and I cried, and curled up into a ball on my bed, with my dog by my side, confused as to the way I am behaving lately. And Monday morning I woke up at 4 and drove right back to my friend’s house to take refuge.
One step forward – twenty back…
I was thinking all last night about what a waste of my time it is to continue dwelling on what’s happened. I mean really – I do need to move on. I get it, it may take me months and once in a while I may just lose it, drowning my sorrows over a bottle of wine or two and some chocolate – scratch that – potato chips or a bowl of nuts or something. But for now, I need to step out of this nonsense and just work on a transformation plan. Yup, all women do it or attempt to do it once their partners leaves them and mine starts – well – it starts in two weeks.
Two weeks because I vowed to my crazy friend that I would help her move city-to-the country and organize her life and once that’s over – July 15th – it will be my turn to working on myself to become the peaceful and fun loving person I once was so that I can welcome this new chapter in my life.
As normal, my hubs and I had many conversations leading up to the breakup – or him leaving , which I decided to jot down here. Because in reality, what he says and what he means are the same thing. You just have to know how to read between the bull***.
Here We Go:
- I am not really leaving for good. He means: You are my fall-back gal. So please stand by because when things don’t go the way I am fantasizing about, I am coming back to you – that is…until the next time.
- I just need space to think. He means: I need to f*** around or try to anyway because all the babes out there are waiting for me cause I am such a catch.
- I will never forget you. He means: Until I find a woman willing to put up with my b.s. Then it’s all about her and you can go to hell. And when another one comes along, she can also go to hell.
- We were never on the same page. He means: He wanted me to be understanding about him straying every couple of years.
- You need to change. He means: Really nothing substantial. He just needs validation for what he is about to do.
- Whatever happened to the sexy girl I married. He means: I keep comparing you to the P*** sites I just can’t get enough of.
- We fight all the time. He means: You catch me cheating and that’s not cool. Just accept it b****.
- I’ll always love you. He Means: Not really, but I have to say that because that’s how break-ups are done in the movies.
Next Up – What She Really Means