What He Really Means…

As normal, my hubs and I had many conversations leading up to the breakup – or him leaving , which I decided to jot down here. Because in reality, what he says and what he means are the same thing. You just have to know how to read between the bull***.

Here We Go:

  • I am not really leaving for good.  He means: You are my fall-back gal. So please stand by because when things don’t go the way I am fantasizing about, I am coming back to you – that is…until the next time.
  • I just need space to think. He means: I need to f*** around or try to anyway because all the babes out there are waiting for me cause I am such a catch.
  • I will never forget you. He means: Until I find a woman willing to put up with my b.s. Then it’s all about her and you can go to hell. And when another one comes along, she can also go to hell.
  • We were never on the same page. He means: He wanted me to be understanding about him straying every couple of years.
  • You need to change. He means: Really nothing substantial. He just needs validation for what he is about to do.
  • Whatever happened to the sexy girl I married. He means: I keep comparing you to the P*** sites I just can’t get enough of.
  • We fight all the time. He means: You catch me cheating and that’s not cool. Just accept it b****.
  • I’ll always love you. He Means: Not really, but I have to say that because that’s how break-ups are done in the movies.

Next Up – What She Really Means

 

Don’t Kick Me When I’m Down

At times like these you realize just how much your family and friends, who you know genuinely mean well, cannot really help you. In fact, their attempts to console you comes across wrong. It’s as if they were waiting for a situation like this to happen, to tell you how they really feel about you, or the changes they think you need to make about yourself and the ways you should have handled certain things – as if I am not already beating myself up over the mistakes I’ve made and at this stage I am even questioning my entire being.

I think the most disappointing is the fact, that besides the jabbing, or..pep talking, they are also expressing just how disappointed they are in me for falling apart. That I should be happy this all happened, and work on myself to move forward – but not until I’ve changed this or that about me – so the truth comes out.

I’m longing for the day when I wake up and none of this matters, and I am able to stand on my own and feel good about who I am, and that in the end be content that I’ve done my best.

 

 

After The Shock, A Course of Action Sets In

At my age, meaning to say I am not in my 20’s, conversations with myself to remain calm, cool and collected happen nearly every second of the day. And now, it is happening even in between the seconds. I honestly appreciate that I can rationalize everything better than I did in my youthful emotional state – back several decades ago.

The first thing I decided to do – in order to remain calm, cool, collected, was actually get in my car and drive to somewhere I haven’t been before, and establish myself temporarily in an extended stay.  Bizzare you may think. But it actually is helpful with overcoming my anxiety about the whole thing and slowly come to understand how we or I got here:

Let’s back track for a second –  Early May, while I was house and dog sitting for a friend who decided to join the military and needed to go to boot camp, the soon-to-be-ex hinted at the fact, our relationship wasn’t working, or that he wasn’t happy anymore – listing a million reasons of what I’d been doing wrong to cause the rift between us.  At first, I panicked, wondering what all I did wrong to push him away, or have him think this way, and during our many conversations, I took most of the blame. Because that’s the kind of fool I am. I was hoping we could work through it all, and I detailed a course of action for us to follow, perhaps take a week and disappear to a deserted island with him and see if we can fix whatever it was or is

Then, he stopped answering my calls, and text messages, and I went into hysteria, since I was 150 miles away from home – I had no idea what he was up to – although my gut had it right, thinking there had to be someone else. One day, I even drove back to the city with three dogs in tow, to get face-to-face with him, because I felt the type of conversation he was aiming to have – ending the relationship, couldn’t or shouldn’t be done over auto-corrected text messages which seldom made sense.

What sucked was, he stood his ground, blaming me for everything – from lack of communication, to me being in charge of our life too much, to me not making an effort to – not sure what he was saying because none of it made sense, in part because he had trouble explaining and in part because I was in too much shock to accept any of it.

And although he pretended to agree with my points, or concerns I detailed, he was determined to leave because the only question he couldn’t answer or look me in the face, when I asked point-blank was – is there another woman?

So he moved out, and I packed my car, and drove south to nowhere in particular, and picked the first extended stay I noticed off the freeway and checked in – hoping time alone will heal my aching heart and help me grow  – that is the plan.

I Shouldn’t Really Be Blaming Anyone Else But Myself

So this happened to me last night. Where I sat up suddenly and began hyperventilating, weirdly realizing, that all of this is really my fault…for giving him a second change – a long time ago.

You see, my theory on marriage is that – it is meant to last a lifetime, and one that is lived through good and bad times. I took my vow seriously, and committed to our relationship wholeheartedly. Maybe I am a fool, but I am a traditionalist. No I am a fool.

But over a decade ago, my husband had an affair with a co-worker, at a time when we were about to close on a house. I threw him out of the apartment we shared, but he didn’t go. He asked for forgiveness, begged for a second change, and did everything in his power to commit to our life together, chalking up his straying to a temporary madness. Although I was weary, questioning my decision, and hating myself for months, and maybe even years for giving in, I did all that I could to build our life back together again. He did his part – little by little – and the fact we bought a house seemed to help in the repair.

We sold the house when the market crashed, and moved back to the city we both grew up in. Spending the next decade vacationing and living life – I recall many occasions of him telling me – how happy he was and how he looked forward to us growing old together…until the beginning of May, when his inner dark side resurfaced – the one I saw over a decade ago and that’s how I knew…this time there was no turning back.

 

 

Everyone Says You’re Going To Be Fine

I announced the beginning to the end of my marriage to only a handful of family members – meaning to say – not that I announced it formally, they picked up on my out of the norm sad demeanor. You know the one that’s like a lost puppy, who hasn’t had food or sleep for a few days.  The ones that know me well, knew right away.

Anyway.

Everyone as normal felt the need to tell me what a great person I am and how my life will be better now that he is out of the picture, and that I have so much to offer and so many things to look forward to.  I know this, I tell them, and I appreciate all the pep talk – I mention thanking them repeatedly. But for now I don’t feel that way – although, come to think of it I am doing my own bit of pep talking at nights, while staring at the ceiling with the TV on mute. I can’t handle the quiet right now. Nor the fact, I have to sleep alone at nights. So I lay awake, thinking if I list all the good that could come out of the end to my marriage, I can endure or even have something to look forward to – at my age. Then I come full circle.

I still think it’s my mother-in-law’s fault…

 

 

I Could Lay Here With You For Eternity…

Some images are best left to our imagination, I believe wholeheartedly, as my thought drift to you…

the-beautiful-home-of-interior-stylist-cille-grut-10

 

What Would Happen If….

woman_reading_newspaper1There are days, while I go for my walk, I wonder about the strangest things in life and to make conversation, I ask the person who I happen to be walking with the question to see what they think?

So, since the debate is always one dimensional, I decided to post my thoughts to see what you have to say about them?

1. What would happen if processed foods (canned, frozen or otherwise) or fast food restaurants where never created? Would this nation have an obesity problem today?

2. What would happen if you were able to choose your (any) doctor from any medical facility and the medical coverage was generic enough to cover it without any restrictions or guidelines? Would everyone be healthier and less prone to depression.

3. What would happen if America does not participate in any wars outside of the country? Would we become a stronger nation internally.

4. What would happen if we brought back ALL manufacturing of products/goods to the US? Would we become more prosperous and motivated to do better as a nation.

5. What would happen if women were able to stay home with their children until they reach the age to go to school? Would the children of our nation hold better values and strive to do their very best voluntarily.

6. What would happen if the CEOs of companies were better educated about their company? Would they care enough to make the work place better.

7. What would happen if….. (you fill the blank)

 

 

Self Help The Old Fashioned Way

tumblr_meuleuvSwd1qzpp8po1_500When I was in my twenties I ran to the bookstore, every time I was at a loss. Whether it be emotional, physological, professional and coping, I turned to the wise words of countless authors who were an expert in directing people’s behaviors to be able to work through their, well mostly, insecurities.

What I learned from those books, that words cannot change anyone, if they aren’t mentally ready for a change and that maturity is what gets you through most any problem one is faced with.

I’ve come to this conclusion because now that I am well in my 40s, I see things differently and cope with them in a much wiser way than I did when I was younger. I have a tolerance for most things and always search for the logical approach to coping or handling a milestone I am faced with.  This, although I read about years back, I didn’t quiet understand how to apply what I learned from the books until I  reached a level in my life where everything made more sense and became  much more clearer.

The moral of this story is that every decade in our lifetime we learn and cope differently with the same issues we are faced with and no matter how many self-help books we read to accelerate the knowledge or find a cure for our ailments, it isn’t going to come unless we mature with age and develop the skills necessary to weather any storm we are faced with in our lives.