I was watching a television show last night where a couple who’d been reading a newspaper together in bed, noticed an article about an old flame of the wife. The husband asked her if she ever thought about him, and she quickly said no – lying naturally while the scene panned to a decade earlier when she and he, the old flame, were at a cross-road about their affair. You see, she was engaged at the time to her now husband…
Normally I plan my two-week Europe trip for the month of September, because for some reason I get this strange feeling in my gut. And I rather avoid it then to go through it – call me a coward, I don’t care.
This year, there is no trip planned for the month. Not even a quick weekend escape because, I am doing everything in my power to face all of my problems – straight on. No running away, no hiding. Just deal with them all. And of course the worst this year is learning how to live alone.
There are days I love the fact I can come home and just do what I want and then there are days, I simply feel too alone. This doesn’t mean, I want him back, I just haven’t figured out how to fill that void. I don’t think I want another person in my life just yet, or…maybe not even. Considering I spend the past two decades being with someone, I could use the break to figure out who and what I can become without having a person in my life.
it’s interesting how I see life in a whole new light – especially when I get together with friends who have been with their partners for quite some time now, and some complain about their relationships, while others make excuses as to why they stick it out in a not-so-ideal situation. The bottom line is, they are too afraid to be alone.
I was. But now I’m not. He’s called and begged me to take him back, and I just don’t have the courage to tell him…I would rather be alone – maybe even – for the rest of my life.
I feel more peaceful this way…
As normal, my hubs and I had many conversations leading up to the breakup – or him leaving , which I decided to jot down here. Because in reality, what he says and what he means are the same thing. You just have to know how to read between the bull***.
Here We Go:
- I am not really leaving for good. He means: You are my fall-back gal. So please stand by because when things don’t go the way I am fantasizing about, I am coming back to you – that is…until the next time.
- I just need space to think. He means: I need to f*** around or try to anyway because all the babes out there are waiting for me cause I am such a catch.
- I will never forget you. He means: Until I find a woman willing to put up with my b.s. Then it’s all about her and you can go to hell. And when another one comes along, she can also go to hell.
- We were never on the same page. He means: He wanted me to be understanding about him straying every couple of years.
- You need to change. He means: Really nothing substantial. He just needs validation for what he is about to do.
- Whatever happened to the sexy girl I married. He means: I keep comparing you to the P*** sites I just can’t get enough of.
- We fight all the time. He means: You catch me cheating and that’s not cool. Just accept it b****.
- I’ll always love you. He Means: Not really, but I have to say that because that’s how break-ups are done in the movies.
Next Up – What She Really Means
At times like these you realize just how much your family and friends, who you know genuinely mean well, cannot really help you. In fact, their attempts to console you comes across wrong. It’s as if they were waiting for a situation like this to happen, to tell you how they really feel about you, or the changes they think you need to make about yourself and the ways you should have handled certain things – as if I am not already beating myself up over the mistakes I’ve made and at this stage I am even questioning my entire being.
I think the most disappointing is the fact, that besides the jabbing, or..pep talking, they are also expressing just how disappointed they are in me for falling apart. That I should be happy this all happened, and work on myself to move forward – but not until I’ve changed this or that about me – so the truth comes out.
I’m longing for the day when I wake up and none of this matters, and I am able to stand on my own and feel good about who I am, and that in the end be content that I’ve done my best.
At my age, meaning to say I am not in my 20’s, conversations with myself to remain calm, cool and collected happen nearly every second of the day. And now, it is happening even in between the seconds. I honestly appreciate that I can rationalize everything better than I did in my youthful emotional state – back several decades ago.
The first thing I decided to do – in order to remain calm, cool, collected, was actually get in my car and drive to somewhere I haven’t been before, and establish myself temporarily in an extended stay. Bizzare you may think. But it actually is helpful with overcoming my anxiety about the whole thing and slowly come to understand how we or I got here:
Let’s back track for a second – Early May, while I was house and dog sitting for a friend who decided to join the military and needed to go to boot camp, the soon-to-be-ex hinted at the fact, our relationship wasn’t working, or that he wasn’t happy anymore – listing a million reasons of what I’d been doing wrong to cause the rift between us. At first, I panicked, wondering what all I did wrong to push him away, or have him think this way, and during our many conversations, I took most of the blame. Because that’s the kind of fool I am. I was hoping we could work through it all, and I detailed a course of action for us to follow, perhaps take a week and disappear to a deserted island with him and see if we can fix whatever it was or is
Then, he stopped answering my calls, and text messages, and I went into hysteria, since I was 150 miles away from home – I had no idea what he was up to – although my gut had it right, thinking there had to be someone else. One day, I even drove back to the city with three dogs in tow, to get face-to-face with him, because I felt the type of conversation he was aiming to have – ending the relationship, couldn’t or shouldn’t be done over auto-corrected text messages which seldom made sense.
What sucked was, he stood his ground, blaming me for everything – from lack of communication, to me being in charge of our life too much, to me not making an effort to – not sure what he was saying because none of it made sense, in part because he had trouble explaining and in part because I was in too much shock to accept any of it.
And although he pretended to agree with my points, or concerns I detailed, he was determined to leave because the only question he couldn’t answer or look me in the face, when I asked point-blank was – is there another woman?
So he moved out, and I packed my car, and drove south to nowhere in particular, and picked the first extended stay I noticed off the freeway and checked in – hoping time alone will heal my aching heart and help me grow – that is the plan.
You see, my theory on marriage is that – it is meant to last a lifetime, and one that is lived through good and bad times. I took my vow seriously, and committed to our relationship wholeheartedly. Maybe I am a fool, but I am a traditionalist. No I am a fool.
But over a decade ago, my husband had an affair with a co-worker, at a time when we were about to close on a house. I threw him out of the apartment we shared, but he didn’t go. He asked for forgiveness, begged for a second change, and did everything in his power to commit to our life together, chalking up his straying to a temporary madness. Although I was weary, questioning my decision, and hating myself for months, and maybe even years for giving in, I did all that I could to build our life back together again. He did his part – little by little – and the fact we bought a house seemed to help in the repair.
We sold the house when the market crashed, and moved back to the city we both grew up in. Spending the next decade vacationing and living life – I recall many occasions of him telling me – how happy he was and how he looked forward to us growing old together…until the beginning of May, when his inner dark side resurfaced – the one I saw over a decade ago and that’s how I knew…this time there was no turning back.
I announced the beginning to the end of my marriage to only a handful of family members – meaning to say – not that I announced it formally, they picked up on my out of the norm sad demeanor. You know the one that’s like a lost puppy, who hasn’t had food or sleep for a few days. The ones that know me well, knew right away.
Everyone as normal felt the need to tell me what a great person I am and how my life will be better now that he is out of the picture, and that I have so much to offer and so many things to look forward to. I know this, I tell them, and I appreciate all the pep talk – I mention thanking them repeatedly. But for now I don’t feel that way – although, come to think of it I am doing my own bit of pep talking at nights, while staring at the ceiling with the TV on mute. I can’t handle the quiet right now. Nor the fact, I have to sleep alone at nights. So I lay awake, thinking if I list all the good that could come out of the end to my marriage, I can endure or even have something to look forward to – at my age. Then I come full circle.
I still think it’s my mother-in-law’s fault…
So, since the debate is always one dimensional, I decided to post my thoughts to see what you have to say about them?
1. What would happen if processed foods (canned, frozen or otherwise) or fast food restaurants where never created? Would this nation have an obesity problem today?
2. What would happen if you were able to choose your (any) doctor from any medical facility and the medical coverage was generic enough to cover it without any restrictions or guidelines? Would everyone be healthier and less prone to depression.
3. What would happen if America does not participate in any wars outside of the country? Would we become a stronger nation internally.
4. What would happen if we brought back ALL manufacturing of products/goods to the US? Would we become more prosperous and motivated to do better as a nation.
5. What would happen if women were able to stay home with their children until they reach the age to go to school? Would the children of our nation hold better values and strive to do their very best voluntarily.
6. What would happen if the CEOs of companies were better educated about their company? Would they care enough to make the work place better.
7. What would happen if….. (you fill the blank)