Mind Boggling Indeed…

This year has been pretty challenging for me – and just when I assumed the dust¬†was settling, my sibling has been showing concerning signs of mental instability. But the more I spend time with him, taking him from one doctor to the next, a test here and there, blood work and other evaluations to get to the bottom of this most exhausting nightmarish hell we are enduring as a family, the more he expresses, that perhaps I am the one losing my mind…

 

 

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Short Stories In Consideration

I was telling a friend of mine that I wasn’t feeling as inspired lately to start my next novel, and he suggested that I write short stories instead…and publish them directly online for your reading pleasure. ūüôā

What do you think? Is that a good idea?

 

September Blues Or Something Like It

Normally I plan my two-week Europe trip for the month of September, because for some reason I get this strange feeling in my gut. And I rather avoid it then to go through it – call me a coward, I don’t care.

This year, there is no trip planned for the month. Not even a quick weekend escape because, I am doing everything in my power to face all of my problems – straight on. No running away, no hiding. Just deal with them all. And of course the worst this year is learning how to live alone.

There are days I love the fact I can come home and just do what I want and then there are days, I simply feel too alone. This doesn’t mean, I want him back, I just haven’t figured out how to fill that void. I don’t think I want another person in my life just yet, or…maybe not even. Considering I spend the past two decades being with someone, I could use the break to figure out who and what I can become without having a person in my life.

it’s interesting how I see life in a whole new light – especially when I get together with friends who have been with their partners for quite some time now, and some complain about their relationships, while others make excuses as to why they stick it out in a not-so-ideal situation. The bottom line is, they are too afraid to be alone.

I was. But now I’m not. He’s called and begged me to take him back, and I just don’t have the courage to tell him…I would rather be alone – maybe even – for the rest of my life.

I feel more peaceful this way…

 

A Not So Good Day(s)

Since my last post, I had decided I wasn’t going to focus on the bad. Which 90…80…70…okay 60pct of the time I am not doing. The other 40, seems I am unintentionally breaking down.

For example. I’ve been staying away from my house for weeks now. Staying with a good friend down in Southern Cal and even a few hotels up and down the coast – just so I don’t have to have any reminders of…you know what.

This past weekend I had to go back to the house, and sort of handle bills, a few clean up issues and physically go into work – since I’ve been remote working the last few weeks.

As I pulled into the driveway I panicked and had a very difficult time going inside, and all of a sudden all I could do is unload my luggage and frivolous things and leave the house, for the entire day running the streets, from store to store, to mall to movies – anything not to be home. I hate it how I was feeling

And then the stupidest thing I did was reach out to him – to tell him he had some important mail at the house, which led us to get together for the afternoon so I could give him his mail and he – my birthday present which he’d bought over a month ago, right after he left.

We did some talking – at first the not-so-important topics and then a few catching up and minor exchange of regrets. I don’t know how real the latter was, because it didn’t resonate with me as it should have – perhaps I’ve gotten accustomed to the norm his shitty behavior had become over the years.

It was heartbreaking to see him, but it was also a good thing – because it helped me realize things I am not yet ready to say here. And then Sunday came and went, and I cried, and curled up into a ball on my bed, with my dog by my side, confused as to the way I am behaving lately. And Monday morning I woke up at 4 and drove right back to my friend’s house to take refuge.

One step forward – twenty back…

What He Really Means…

As normal, my hubs and I had many conversations leading up to the breakup – or him leaving , which I decided to jot down here. Because in reality, what he says and what he means are the same thing. You just have to know how to read between the bull***.

Here We Go:

  • I am not really leaving for good. ¬†He means: You are my fall-back gal. So please stand by because when things don’t go the way I am fantasizing about, I am coming back to you – that is…until the next time.
  • I just need space to think. He means: I need to f*** around or try to anyway because all the babes out there are waiting for me cause I am such a catch.
  • I will never forget you. He means: Until I find a woman willing to put up with my b.s. Then it’s all about her and you can go to hell. And when another one comes along, she can also go to hell.
  • We were never on the same page. He means: He wanted me to be understanding about him straying every couple of years.
  • You need to change. He means: Really nothing substantial. He just needs validation for what he is about to do.
  • Whatever happened to the sexy girl I married. He means: I keep comparing you to the P*** sites I just can’t get enough of.
  • We fight all the time. He means: You catch me cheating and that’s not cool. Just accept it b****.
  • I’ll always love you. He Means: Not really, but I have to say that because that’s how break-ups are done in the movies.

Next Up – What She Really Means

 

Let’s Analyze the Breakup

I don’t believe that people just break up. Meaning to say, deciding it’s time to simply part ways – UNLESS – there is some other interest out there. One that they have already explored, or consider exploring, or are already so involved with, that there is no other way expect out of their current status quo.

With that belief, I always wonder who struggles through a breakup more. I used to think it was always the woman. But since the tables have turned and many more women are now the ones having the affair and leaving, men are also having a tough time coping with a breakup, sometimes to the point they simply can’t bounce back.

So, I don’t think it’s so much which gender suffers more – it’s more, who is the one being left behind.

This brings up another question – ¬†is it an ego thing? Meaning. Do we, the ones getting dumped hurt more because our ego’s are bruised?

Because, I, for one, wake up each morning thinking today is the day, I am going to focus on the positive, and by nightfall I am so pissed off at the fact, that he dumped me considering all the reasons I had to do it first – but I didn’t – because I took my vows too seriously.

A Scary Wake Up Call

After the driving to nowhere in particular, I ended up at a friend’s house. Mostly because she suggested I busy myself by helping her organize her relocation because of work.

My life-long friend’s back story goes like this. She’s been separated from her spouse exactly two-years now. And when I say separated I mean in distance, not so much in their daily communication via phone, text, emails and all else with him ¬†mostly manipulating her every thinking, and plans to moving on or forward.

The end of their union is not my place to discuss, but what I am trying to say here is that, I thought I was emotionally in a bad place, until I got to her house and spend a week now, learning that after two years, she is still bitter, angry, jealous (because he’s moved on, but not really) and regrets leaving him? Oh my god seriously! ¬†Not a good role model for me right now, or…is it a good thing I am witnessing what not to do?

Craziness…

Don’t Kick Me When I’m Down

At times like these you realize just how much your family and friends, who you know¬†genuinely mean well, cannot really help you. In fact, their attempts to console you comes across wrong. It’s as if they were waiting for a situation like this to happen, to tell you how they really feel about you, or the changes they think you need to make about yourself and the ways you should have handled certain things – as if I am not already beating myself up over the mistakes I’ve made and at this stage I am even questioning my entire being.

I think the most disappointing is the fact, that besides the jabbing, or..pep talking, they are also expressing just how disappointed they are in me for falling apart. That I should be happy this all happened, and work on myself to move forward – but not until I’ve changed this or that about me – so the truth comes out.

I’m longing for the day when I wake up and none of this matters, and I am able to stand on my own and feel good about who I am, and that in the end be content that I’ve done my best.

 

 

After The Shock, A Course of Action Sets In

At my age, meaning to say I am not in my 20’s, conversations with myself to remain calm, cool and collected happen nearly every second of the day. And now, it is happening even in between the seconds. I honestly appreciate that I can rationalize everything better than I did in my youthful emotional state – back several decades ago.

The first thing I decided to do – in order to remain calm, cool, collected, was actually get in my car and drive to somewhere I haven’t been before, and establish myself temporarily in an extended stay. ¬†Bizzare¬†you may think. But it actually is helpful with overcoming my anxiety about the whole thing and slowly come to understand how we or I got here:

Let’s back track for a second – ¬†Early May, while I was house and dog sitting for a friend who decided to join the military and needed to go to boot camp, the soon-to-be-ex hinted at the fact, our relationship wasn’t working, or that he wasn’t happy anymore – listing a million reasons of what I’d been doing wrong to cause the rift between us. ¬†At first, I panicked, wondering what all I did wrong to push him away, or have him think this way, and during our many conversations, I took most of the blame. Because that’s the kind of fool I am. I was hoping we could work through it all, and I detailed a course of action for us to follow, perhaps take a week and disappear to a deserted island with him and see if we can fix whatever it was or is

Then, he stopped answering my calls, and text messages, and I went into hysteria, since I was 150 miles away from home – I had no idea what he was up to – although my gut had it right, thinking there had to be someone else. One day, I even drove back to the city with three dogs in tow, to get face-to-face with him, because I felt the type of conversation he was aiming to have – ending the relationship, couldn’t or shouldn’t be done over auto-corrected text messages which seldom made sense.

What sucked was, he stood his ground, blaming me for everything – from lack of communication, to me being in charge of our life too much, to me not making an effort to – not sure what he was saying because none of it made sense, in part because he had trouble explaining and in part because I was in too much shock to accept any of it.

And although he pretended to agree with my points, or concerns I detailed, he was determined to leave because the only question he couldn’t answer or look me in the face, when I asked point-blank was – is there another woman?

So he moved out, and I packed my car, and drove south to nowhere in particular, and picked the first extended stay I noticed off the freeway and checked in Рhoping time alone will heal my aching heart and help me grow  Рthat is the plan.

Everyone Says You’re Going To Be Fine

I announced the beginning to the end of my marriage to only a handful of family members – meaning to say – not that I announced it formally, they picked up on my out of the norm sad demeanor. You know the one that’s like a lost puppy, who hasn’t had food or sleep for a few days. ¬†The ones that know me well, knew right away.

Anyway.

Everyone as normal felt the need to tell me what a great person I am and how my life will be better now that he is out of the picture, and that I have so much to offer and so many things to look forward to. ¬†I know this, I tell them, and I appreciate all the pep talk – I mention thanking them repeatedly. But for now I don’t feel that way – although, come to think of it I am doing my own bit of pep talking at nights, while staring at the ceiling with the TV on mute. I can’t handle the quiet right now. Nor the fact, I have to sleep alone at nights. So I lay awake, thinking if I list all the good that could come out of the end to my marriage, I can endure or even have something to look forward to – at my age. Then I come full circle.

I still think it’s my mother-in-law’s fault…