September Blues Or Something Like It

Normally I plan my two-week Europe trip for the month of September, because for some reason I get this strange feeling in my gut. And I rather avoid it then to go through it – call me a coward, I don’t care.

This year, there is no trip planned for the month. Not even a quick weekend escape because, I am doing everything in my power to face all of my problems – straight on. No running away, no hiding. Just deal with them all. And of course the worst this year is learning how to live alone.

There are days I love the fact I can come home and just do what I want and then there are days, I simply feel too alone. This doesn’t mean, I want him back, I just haven’t figured out how to fill that void. I don’t think I want another person in my life just yet, or…maybe not even. Considering I spend the past two decades being with someone, I could use the break to figure out who and what I can become without having a person in my life.

it’s interesting how I see life in a whole new light – especially when I get together with friends who have been with their partners for quite some time now, and some complain about their relationships, while others make excuses as to why they stick it out in a not-so-ideal situation. The bottom line is, they are too afraid to be alone.

I was. But now I’m not. He’s called and begged me to take him back, and I just don’t have the courage to tell him…I would rather be alone – maybe even – for the rest of my life.

I feel more peaceful this way…


And The Transformation Begins…

I was thinking all last night about what a waste of my time it is to continue dwelling on what’s happened. I mean really – I do need to move on. I get it, it may take me months and once in a while I may just lose it, drowning my sorrows over a bottle of wine or two and some chocolate – scratch that – potato chips or a bowl of nuts or something. But for now, I need to step out of this nonsense and just work on a transformation plan. Yup, all women do it or attempt to do it once their partners leaves them and mine starts – well – it starts in two weeks.

Two weeks because I vowed to my crazy friend that I would help her move city-to-the country and organize her life and once that’s over – July 15th – it will be my turn to working on myself to become the peaceful and fun loving person I once was so that I can welcome this new chapter in my life.

A Scary Wake Up Call

After the driving to nowhere in particular, I ended up at a friend’s house. Mostly because she suggested I busy myself by helping her organize her relocation because of work.

My life-long friend’s back story goes like this. She’s been separated from her spouse exactly two-years now. And when I say separated I mean in distance, not so much in their daily communication via phone, text, emails and all else with him  mostly manipulating her every thinking, and plans to moving on or forward.

The end of their union is not my place to discuss, but what I am trying to say here is that, I thought I was emotionally in a bad place, until I got to her house and spend a week now, learning that after two years, she is still bitter, angry, jealous (because he’s moved on, but not really) and regrets leaving him? Oh my god seriously!  Not a good role model for me right now, or…is it a good thing I am witnessing what not to do?


I Shouldn’t Really Be Blaming Anyone Else But Myself

So this happened to me last night. Where I sat up suddenly and began hyperventilating, weirdly realizing, that all of this is really my fault…for giving him a second change – a long time ago.

You see, my theory on marriage is that – it is meant to last a lifetime, and one that is lived through good and bad times. I took my vow seriously, and committed to our relationship wholeheartedly. Maybe I am a fool, but I am a traditionalist. No I am a fool.

But over a decade ago, my husband had an affair with a co-worker, at a time when we were about to close on a house. I threw him out of the apartment we shared, but he didn’t go. He asked for forgiveness, begged for a second change, and did everything in his power to commit to our life together, chalking up his straying to a temporary madness. Although I was weary, questioning my decision, and hating myself for months, and maybe even years for giving in, I did all that I could to build our life back together again. He did his part – little by little – and the fact we bought a house seemed to help in the repair.

We sold the house when the market crashed, and moved back to the city we both grew up in. Spending the next decade vacationing and living life – I recall many occasions of him telling me – how happy he was and how he looked forward to us growing old together…until the beginning of May, when his inner dark side resurfaced – the one I saw over a decade ago and that’s how I knew…this time there was no turning back.



Everyone Says You’re Going To Be Fine

I announced the beginning to the end of my marriage to only a handful of family members – meaning to say – not that I announced it formally, they picked up on my out of the norm sad demeanor. You know the one that’s like a lost puppy, who hasn’t had food or sleep for a few days.  The ones that know me well, knew right away.


Everyone as normal felt the need to tell me what a great person I am and how my life will be better now that he is out of the picture, and that I have so much to offer and so many things to look forward to.  I know this, I tell them, and I appreciate all the pep talk – I mention thanking them repeatedly. But for now I don’t feel that way – although, come to think of it I am doing my own bit of pep talking at nights, while staring at the ceiling with the TV on mute. I can’t handle the quiet right now. Nor the fact, I have to sleep alone at nights. So I lay awake, thinking if I list all the good that could come out of the end to my marriage, I can endure or even have something to look forward to – at my age. Then I come full circle.

I still think it’s my mother-in-law’s fault…



Is It The Mother (in-law)?

You know when you’re first told – your partner wants to leave – in my case mine, the first thing you or in this case I did was go into denial. I spend the next few days rationalizing all the why’s and strangely enough came to the conclusion, it was all my mother-in-law’s fault.

Don’t get me wrong, she and I are on good terms and we keep a sort of open communication – past the language barrier and although she did apologize, because she wondered if she came between us – I told her it wasn’t her fault.  I may have lied.

But last night while driving across the state aiming to disappear somewhere for a while so I can think straight, I realized – she may be right thinking it is partly her fault or just maybe the curse of her presence?

Let me explain: Three sons, one mother, dad who’s passed away. Each time she visits/long term with one of her sons, their marriage, strangely timed, comes to an end…

Is that weird to think?

Maybe. Maybe not. Let me explore some more and let you know if my thinking is legit or I am not paying attention to the bigger picture.

Stay tuned if you like…

I’ve Never Been Anybody’s Type

The bits and pieces I write in this journal if you will, are topics I intend to compile in an autobiography someday soon  in great detail. But for now, I am only sharing excerpts.

I've never been

I came to this realization almost unexpectedly while I dined with a female friend the other day. As I sat at the bar in my favorite restaurant in San Francisco, delighted by the Auburn colors of the Manhattan cocktail I ordered from their mixed drink’s menu, shimmering against the candle votive, she detailed to me her excitement over a fairly new relationship she felt was becoming serious. I looked over to the barkeeper, and we exchanged a smile, one I couldn’t tell if we were flirting, if only, I wished – he was fifteen years younger; I reminded myself, taking another sip. While I listened to her detail her story, and ask for my opinion, I began to reflect upon the different men I’ve come across in my lifetime, in business or pleasure, friendship or not, soul mates, or imaging them to be, I realized that I’ve never been anybody’s type. A perception dampening the mood, not mine really, but my female dinner companions’ for sure. When I got home that night, I jotted down notes, reflecting on the past 25 years of my life, deciding this topic too needed a chapter in my memoirs…

{I apologize for not remembering where the photo is from}

Do Men Really Need A Reason To Cheat?

image-30-woman-frustrated-with-a-manThe age-old question and one that every woman wonders  around the globe, whether silently or vocally.  Do men really need a reason to cheat?

Although, if you ask the men, the answer is always yes, cheating stems from a cause, an unhappy relationship, a nagging partner and the lack of passion from a lifetime commitment and while the information is relayed to the partner for such behavior, what the women perceives is, no matter what the reasons, they are not good enough.

What I often wonder, is when a woman signs the dotted line to marry, is she also consenting to the fact, her partner will cheat at least once in their relationship? Does she understand that, it comes with the territory, that no matter what, the man will always cheat. It’s part of life and that is how it has always been.  So, I ask again, do men really need a reason to cheat or does it just happen?

I have interviewed a dozen or more men about the topic at various stages in my lifetime and theirs and although some beat around the bush, the end result was, if the opportunity were “perfectly” presented to them, they would cheat and this has nothing to do with loving or not their wives or partners.

So, with this wealth of knowledge that each of us women have about the fact, that men really don’t need a reason to cheat, I want to know, how should women commit themselves to a union? Expecting the worst and hoping for the best? Should they make an agreement, a pact if you will, that if one cheats, the other can too? How should it be so that she doesn’t lose herself from a cheating husband?

I ask for some solid argument or discussion from anyone who can shed some light on this topic?