I’ve been running for a couple of months now…away from home just so I don’t feel the pain associated with my marriage coming to an end.
On Sunday, I drove back to the space, my hubs and I call home, and walked in through the door, holding my breath, or maybe it was that I couldn’t breathe knowing I would have to face it all – alone.
I didn’t unpack. I simply placed my luggage and things down and laid on my side of the bed, and just closed my eyes. I wasn’t ready to be alone in that space – the studio – if you need a visual.
Monday I woke up, returned the car rental, went to my dentist and then to the grocery store, to…to shop for one. Then attempted to make dinner for one and failed miserably, tearing up over slicing string beans – reflecting on how we used to have small talk over me cooking and him just being in the kitchen.
Now, I have to eat alone, watch TV alone, go to bed alone, and wake up alone…the reality of it all sunk in too, too deep…do I run away again or face it, and hope that I can endure…
Since my last post, I had decided I wasn’t going to focus on the bad. Which 90…80…70…okay 60pct of the time I am not doing. The other 40, seems I am unintentionally breaking down.
For example. I’ve been staying away from my house for weeks now. Staying with a good friend down in Southern Cal and even a few hotels up and down the coast – just so I don’t have to have any reminders of…you know what.
This past weekend I had to go back to the house, and sort of handle bills, a few clean up issues and physically go into work – since I’ve been remote working the last few weeks.
As I pulled into the driveway I panicked and had a very difficult time going inside, and all of a sudden all I could do is unload my luggage and frivolous things and leave the house, for the entire day running the streets, from store to store, to mall to movies – anything not to be home. I hate it how I was feeling
And then the stupidest thing I did was reach out to him – to tell him he had some important mail at the house, which led us to get together for the afternoon so I could give him his mail and he – my birthday present which he’d bought over a month ago, right after he left.
We did some talking – at first the not-so-important topics and then a few catching up and minor exchange of regrets. I don’t know how real the latter was, because it didn’t resonate with me as it should have – perhaps I’ve gotten accustomed to the norm his shitty behavior had become over the years.
It was heartbreaking to see him, but it was also a good thing – because it helped me realize things I am not yet ready to say here. And then Sunday came and went, and I cried, and curled up into a ball on my bed, with my dog by my side, confused as to the way I am behaving lately. And Monday morning I woke up at 4 and drove right back to my friend’s house to take refuge.
One step forward – twenty back…
I was thinking all last night about what a waste of my time it is to continue dwelling on what’s happened. I mean really – I do need to move on. I get it, it may take me months and once in a while I may just lose it, drowning my sorrows over a bottle of wine or two and some chocolate – scratch that – potato chips or a bowl of nuts or something. But for now, I need to step out of this nonsense and just work on a transformation plan. Yup, all women do it or attempt to do it once their partners leaves them and mine starts – well – it starts in two weeks.
Two weeks because I vowed to my crazy friend that I would help her move city-to-the country and organize her life and once that’s over – July 15th – it will be my turn to working on myself to become the peaceful and fun loving person I once was so that I can welcome this new chapter in my life.
As normal, my hubs and I had many conversations leading up to the breakup – or him leaving , which I decided to jot down here. Because in reality, what he says and what he means are the same thing. You just have to know how to read between the bull***.
Here We Go:
- I am not really leaving for good. He means: You are my fall-back gal. So please stand by because when things don’t go the way I am fantasizing about, I am coming back to you – that is…until the next time.
- I just need space to think. He means: I need to f*** around or try to anyway because all the babes out there are waiting for me cause I am such a catch.
- I will never forget you. He means: Until I find a woman willing to put up with my b.s. Then it’s all about her and you can go to hell. And when another one comes along, she can also go to hell.
- We were never on the same page. He means: He wanted me to be understanding about him straying every couple of years.
- You need to change. He means: Really nothing substantial. He just needs validation for what he is about to do.
- Whatever happened to the sexy girl I married. He means: I keep comparing you to the P*** sites I just can’t get enough of.
- We fight all the time. He means: You catch me cheating and that’s not cool. Just accept it b****.
- I’ll always love you. He Means: Not really, but I have to say that because that’s how break-ups are done in the movies.
Next Up – What She Really Means
Today may be just another Monday to most of you, getting ready to go to work, or vacation or maybe just tending to chores and responsibilities. But for me – it’s my birthday. A day I normally spend on vacation somewhere in Europe – or just a day trip to the wine region 50 miles from where I live. Vegas, or Disneyland – it didn’t matter. i spend it somewhere to celebrate getting old.
Funny thing, as a kid, I couldn’t wait to get older – and now all I want to do is stop time. Or get drunk enough to embrace it.
This is the first year, I will be spending it alone…and that scares the F*** out of me. Having to learn to be alone – possibly for the remainder of my life. Funny thing is – a while ago, after a couple’s argument with my soon-to-be-ex, I thought for a minute how great it would be to just be single and do everything on my own terms. And then I glanced over at him – and realized – nope. Life is good just the way it is.
I don’t believe that people just break up. Meaning to say, deciding it’s time to simply part ways – UNLESS – there is some other interest out there. One that they have already explored, or consider exploring, or are already so involved with, that there is no other way expect out of their current status quo.
With that belief, I always wonder who struggles through a breakup more. I used to think it was always the woman. But since the tables have turned and many more women are now the ones having the affair and leaving, men are also having a tough time coping with a breakup, sometimes to the point they simply can’t bounce back.
So, I don’t think it’s so much which gender suffers more – it’s more, who is the one being left behind.
This brings up another question – is it an ego thing? Meaning. Do we, the ones getting dumped hurt more because our ego’s are bruised?
Because, I, for one, wake up each morning thinking today is the day, I am going to focus on the positive, and by nightfall I am so pissed off at the fact, that he dumped me considering all the reasons I had to do it first – but I didn’t – because I took my vows too seriously.
Four plus years ago, I published my first novel. At the time, I had been sitting at a cafe in Rome, staring at a wonderful stationery store, and suddenly realized I needed to write a story about a woman who discovers her husband is having an affair, confronts him, he admits it, moves out and then she is faced with live without him…. The positive, she moves to Rome.
What the heck was I thinking writing all that back then? Was it because I saw into the future, or was my subconscious wishing something crazy like that would happen to me in real life? Scary to think about it. Although if I think back really hard – my explanation would be that I simply fell in love with Rome figured there would be a great story to tell – that is all.
The interesting thing is that – now – I am sensing every chapter is unfolding – in real life. And if that is the case, then please bring on the ENDING!
After the driving to nowhere in particular, I ended up at a friend’s house. Mostly because she suggested I busy myself by helping her organize her relocation because of work.
My life-long friend’s back story goes like this. She’s been separated from her spouse exactly two-years now. And when I say separated I mean in distance, not so much in their daily communication via phone, text, emails and all else with him mostly manipulating her every thinking, and plans to moving on or forward.
The end of their union is not my place to discuss, but what I am trying to say here is that, I thought I was emotionally in a bad place, until I got to her house and spend a week now, learning that after two years, she is still bitter, angry, jealous (because he’s moved on, but not really) and regrets leaving him? Oh my god seriously! Not a good role model for me right now, or…is it a good thing I am witnessing what not to do?
At times like these you realize just how much your family and friends, who you know genuinely mean well, cannot really help you. In fact, their attempts to console you comes across wrong. It’s as if they were waiting for a situation like this to happen, to tell you how they really feel about you, or the changes they think you need to make about yourself and the ways you should have handled certain things – as if I am not already beating myself up over the mistakes I’ve made and at this stage I am even questioning my entire being.
I think the most disappointing is the fact, that besides the jabbing, or..pep talking, they are also expressing just how disappointed they are in me for falling apart. That I should be happy this all happened, and work on myself to move forward – but not until I’ve changed this or that about me – so the truth comes out.
I’m longing for the day when I wake up and none of this matters, and I am able to stand on my own and feel good about who I am, and that in the end be content that I’ve done my best.