Queen of her Own Life…

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Ever Wonder Your Purpose…

I seldom wonder what my purpose in life is, but I know a few of my friends who often inquire about theirs and even engage me in conversation about the topic – asking me what I thought their purpose was? And I find myself giving them long and drawn out explanations and even guiding them towards their purpose in life.

And then I thought about it one night, after watching a French film on television, about a man who gives too much but never gets anything in return….that…

my purpose in life is…to protect you from yourself dear friends and family.
{photo source – I would love to give credit if only I remembered where I found this beautiful photo}

Can It Be…

…I have nothing to write?

I think maturity has kicked in and I realized the other day, while sitting among the extended family members, dining and reminiscing about the good old days, that I had nothing to say. Meaning, I didn’t want to reflect, I didn’t want to project, and I sure as hell didn’t want to voice any opinion about the past, the future nor the next hour. I think the world is all talked out.

Is this a sign of getting old…yikes!

We See What We Want…

Isn’t that the truth.

I always wonder why we are blind-sided by love, or the idea of love? And when we think we are inLOVE, we only see the positives.

But since I’ve parted ways with my husband, I realize that all the years we were together,  I hardly  paid attention to the red-flags or maybe, I simply dismissed them. I could chalk it up to  youth and/or being inexperienced, but really it boils down to being insecure and maybe even just plain dumb.

Recently we got together for a talk. A talk he initiated, and I had no idea it was because he was aiming to get back together – that’s the kind of talk I am referring to. After spending a couple of hours with him – literally walking on egg shells because I was doing my best not to buckle and give in – something came over me and I managed to say NO to him – about him moving back in.

Because all I am able to see now is the sides to him that makes me feel jittery and not in a good way (if there is such a thing), and that I know that if I let him back into my life again…he would crush me in no time and that I am no longer willing to live with.

How Everything Is Changing…

I once heard this quote from a friend I was having a cocktail or two or three with after work. When the two of us got together and bitched about  how stressful and crazy our lives were. Mostly because the kids were very young, and jobs were demanding and husbands perhaps even more demanding. She told me “just remember wildflowers spring up in the middle of nowhere.” And I didn’t understand what she was trying to tell me or perhaps I had one too many.

Fast forward 10 years.

I saw the quote a couple of days ago, not sure where and who from but it reminded me of her. And the fact, that I completely believe that I am going to be okay…by myself (for now). Absolutely looking forward to all the possibilities life has to offer…after all the dust settles. And I think it’s going to be worth every while.   🙂

A Day In Reflection

Dreary days are the worst – especially when you are trying your best to stay upbeat and positive and think the future has the best in store for you.  I think it’s time for me to take another trip to somewhere sunny, warm and preferably with a pool where I can simply soak it all in – aiming to heal my aching soul.

French Music Helps

I realized on Sunday that I haven’t been listening to music since my road trip to nowhere specific over the past month. So, I grabbed my phone and clicked on Pandora and selected my French music collection. Insert here that my dog has also been high-strung and depressed just as much as I have been. So, the first song came on, an upbeat tune which quickly put me at ease and by song two I noticed my dog was also calming down and finally relaxing enough to fall asleep – which he hasn’t done when I am at home.

Since Sunday the station has been one day and night and I’ve been sleeping just fine.

Could it be – there is a light at the end of the tunnel?

Two Steps…I don’t Know really

Been moody since yesterday morning, even snappy perhaps, but all of it in private. So I reached out to ‘a friend’ I’ve known for over two decades to make small talk. Like text-talk. GAWD forbid there is actual conversations anymore. And just for s*** and giggles, I asked him if he thought one of my favorite actors was gay? And he laughed at me. You know the LOL and the HAHAHAHA. So I got quiet and shifted my attention to Candy Crush to combat the edginess.

Minutes later he asks – what’s the different?  I tell him, I was just curious since the image of that actor I have decided to use as the protagonist in my next novel and if he were gay, that would make it difficult for me to pen him in a torrid love affair between a man and a woman.

More HAHAHAHA and then the silence.  So I left it alone and moved on to something else – like feeling sorry for myself and tearing up and nonsense. Nothing productive. Insert here, I should go to the gym.

At midnight my phone illuminates and against my better judgment I squint to decipher what and who.

It was my friend – sending me a link to THIS

I swear I need new friends.