I’ve been running for a couple of months now…away from home just so I don’t feel the pain associated with my marriage coming to an end.
On Sunday, I drove back to the space, my hubs and I call home, and walked in through the door, holding my breath, or maybe it was that I couldn’t breathe knowing I would have to face it all – alone.
I didn’t unpack. I simply placed my luggage and things down and laid on my side of the bed, and just closed my eyes. I wasn’t ready to be alone in that space – the studio – if you need a visual.
Monday I woke up, returned the car rental, went to my dentist and then to the grocery store, to…to shop for one. Then attempted to make dinner for one and failed miserably, tearing up over slicing string beans – reflecting on how we used to have small talk over me cooking and him just being in the kitchen.
Now, I have to eat alone, watch TV alone, go to bed alone, and wake up alone…the reality of it all sunk in too, too deep…do I run away again or face it, and hope that I can endure…
Today may be just another Monday to most of you, getting ready to go to work, or vacation or maybe just tending to chores and responsibilities. But for me – it’s my birthday. A day I normally spend on vacation somewhere in Europe – or just a day trip to the wine region 50 miles from where I live. Vegas, or Disneyland – it didn’t matter. i spend it somewhere to celebrate getting old.
Funny thing, as a kid, I couldn’t wait to get older – and now all I want to do is stop time. Or get drunk enough to embrace it.
This is the first year, I will be spending it alone…and that scares the F*** out of me. Having to learn to be alone – possibly for the remainder of my life. Funny thing is – a while ago, after a couple’s argument with my soon-to-be-ex, I thought for a minute how great it would be to just be single and do everything on my own terms. And then I glanced over at him – and realized – nope. Life is good just the way it is.