Isn’t that the truth.
I always wonder why we are blind-sided by love, or the idea of love? And when we think we are inLOVE, we only see the positives.
But since I’ve parted ways with my husband, I realize that all the years we were together, I hardly paid attention to the red-flags or maybe, I simply dismissed them. I could chalk it up to youth and/or being inexperienced, but really it boils down to being insecure and maybe even just plain dumb.
Recently we got together for a talk. A talk he initiated, and I had no idea it was because he was aiming to get back together – that’s the kind of talk I am referring to. After spending a couple of hours with him – literally walking on egg shells because I was doing my best not to buckle and give in – something came over me and I managed to say NO to him – about him moving back in.
Because all I am able to see now is the sides to him that makes me feel jittery and not in a good way (if there is such a thing), and that I know that if I let him back into my life again…he would crush me in no time and that I am no longer willing to live with.
Since my last post, I had decided I wasn’t going to focus on the bad. Which 90…80…70…okay 60pct of the time I am not doing. The other 40, seems I am unintentionally breaking down.
For example. I’ve been staying away from my house for weeks now. Staying with a good friend down in Southern Cal and even a few hotels up and down the coast – just so I don’t have to have any reminders of…you know what.
This past weekend I had to go back to the house, and sort of handle bills, a few clean up issues and physically go into work – since I’ve been remote working the last few weeks.
As I pulled into the driveway I panicked and had a very difficult time going inside, and all of a sudden all I could do is unload my luggage and frivolous things and leave the house, for the entire day running the streets, from store to store, to mall to movies – anything not to be home. I hate it how I was feeling
And then the stupidest thing I did was reach out to him – to tell him he had some important mail at the house, which led us to get together for the afternoon so I could give him his mail and he – my birthday present which he’d bought over a month ago, right after he left.
We did some talking – at first the not-so-important topics and then a few catching up and minor exchange of regrets. I don’t know how real the latter was, because it didn’t resonate with me as it should have – perhaps I’ve gotten accustomed to the norm his shitty behavior had become over the years.
It was heartbreaking to see him, but it was also a good thing – because it helped me realize things I am not yet ready to say here. And then Sunday came and went, and I cried, and curled up into a ball on my bed, with my dog by my side, confused as to the way I am behaving lately. And Monday morning I woke up at 4 and drove right back to my friend’s house to take refuge.
One step forward – twenty back…
You know when you’re first told – your partner wants to leave – in my case mine, the first thing you or in this case I did was go into denial. I spend the next few days rationalizing all the why’s and strangely enough came to the conclusion, it was all my mother-in-law’s fault.
Don’t get me wrong, she and I are on good terms and we keep a sort of open communication – past the language barrier and although she did apologize, because she wondered if she came between us – I told her it wasn’t her fault. I may have lied.
But last night while driving across the state aiming to disappear somewhere for a while so I can think straight, I realized – she may be right thinking it is partly her fault or just maybe the curse of her presence?
Let me explain: Three sons, one mother, dad who’s passed away. Each time she visits/long term with one of her sons, their marriage, strangely timed, comes to an end…
Is that weird to think?
Maybe. Maybe not. Let me explore some more and let you know if my thinking is legit or I am not paying attention to the bigger picture.
Stay tuned if you like…