A Not So Good Day(s)

Since my last post, I had decided I wasn’t going to focus on the bad. Which 90…80…70…okay 60pct of the time I am not doing. The other 40, seems I am unintentionally breaking down.

For example. I’ve been staying away from my house for weeks now. Staying with a good friend down in Southern Cal and even a few hotels up and down the coast – just so I don’t have to have any reminders of…you know what.

This past weekend I had to go back to the house, and sort of handle bills, a few clean up issues and physically go into work – since I’ve been remote working the last few weeks.

As I pulled into the driveway I panicked and had a very difficult time going inside, and all of a sudden all I could do is unload my luggage and frivolous things and leave the house, for the entire day running the streets, from store to store, to mall to movies – anything not to be home. I hate it how I was feeling

And then the stupidest thing I did was reach out to him – to tell him he had some important mail at the house, which led us to get together for the afternoon so I could give him his mail and he – my birthday present which he’d bought over a month ago, right after he left.

We did some talking – at first the not-so-important topics and then a few catching up and minor exchange of regrets. I don’t know how real the latter was, because it didn’t resonate with me as it should have – perhaps I’ve gotten accustomed to the norm his shitty behavior had become over the years.

It was heartbreaking to see him, but it was also a good thing – because it helped me realize things I am not yet ready to say here. And then Sunday came and went, and I cried, and curled up into a ball on my bed, with my dog by my side, confused as to the way I am behaving lately. And Monday morning I woke up at 4 and drove right back to my friend’s house to take refuge.

One step forward – twenty back…

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After The Shock, A Course of Action Sets In

At my age, meaning to say I am not in my 20’s, conversations with myself to remain calm, cool and collected happen nearly every second of the day. And now, it is happening even in between the seconds. I honestly appreciate that I can rationalize everything better than I did in my youthful emotional state – back several decades ago.

The first thing I decided to do – in order to remain calm, cool, collected, was actually get in my car and drive to somewhere I haven’t been before, and establish myself temporarily in an extended stay.  Bizzare you may think. But it actually is helpful with overcoming my anxiety about the whole thing and slowly come to understand how we or I got here:

Let’s back track for a second –  Early May, while I was house and dog sitting for a friend who decided to join the military and needed to go to boot camp, the soon-to-be-ex hinted at the fact, our relationship wasn’t working, or that he wasn’t happy anymore – listing a million reasons of what I’d been doing wrong to cause the rift between us.  At first, I panicked, wondering what all I did wrong to push him away, or have him think this way, and during our many conversations, I took most of the blame. Because that’s the kind of fool I am. I was hoping we could work through it all, and I detailed a course of action for us to follow, perhaps take a week and disappear to a deserted island with him and see if we can fix whatever it was or is

Then, he stopped answering my calls, and text messages, and I went into hysteria, since I was 150 miles away from home – I had no idea what he was up to – although my gut had it right, thinking there had to be someone else. One day, I even drove back to the city with three dogs in tow, to get face-to-face with him, because I felt the type of conversation he was aiming to have – ending the relationship, couldn’t or shouldn’t be done over auto-corrected text messages which seldom made sense.

What sucked was, he stood his ground, blaming me for everything – from lack of communication, to me being in charge of our life too much, to me not making an effort to – not sure what he was saying because none of it made sense, in part because he had trouble explaining and in part because I was in too much shock to accept any of it.

And although he pretended to agree with my points, or concerns I detailed, he was determined to leave because the only question he couldn’t answer or look me in the face, when I asked point-blank was – is there another woman?

So he moved out, and I packed my car, and drove south to nowhere in particular, and picked the first extended stay I noticed off the freeway and checked in – hoping time alone will heal my aching heart and help me grow  – that is the plan.

Don’t Get To Excited, I’ve Been Reminded Yet Again

property of alifefromasuitcase IMG_4201This morning I was all smiles getting on the train for my commute to work. I plugged in my music, escaping to Carli Bruni station on Pandora, my gut telling me not to be so excited or happy.

I got a whole call from daughter one while enroute, so I sent a text telling her I’d call her back when I arrived at work. I did, and she slowly filled me on all that’s been happening since she left Nebraska to come to California for 30 days. My jaw dropped, the details I don’t want to share.

I walked away from my desk, and outside the building grasping for air. As if that wasn’t enough, number two called to tell me she needed to talk to me about the wedding – her mostly having doubts about her guy… (we are meeting for lunch).

What’s happening?

{photo I took last night at seven, a view from my room after a rainy stormy day in San Francisco}

 

 

A Scene From A Movie

property of alifefromasuitcaseOn Saturday my youngest suggested we go to Monterey to show her sister the wedding venue. Mind you neither I, nor her sister wanted to go. But we did just to humor her since verything lately seem to upset her.

Just to set the tone: The trip is nearly two hours away from the city, and both of our cars were in no condition to do the road trip. However, we got our coffees and pastries from Starbucks and hit the road at 9:30.  Along the way discussion about marriage came up, and suddenly everything mentioned about it by my oldest wasn’t positive. Especially when the younger one validated the negativity by telling us that both of  her bridesmaids were having marital issues as well. I simply listened, since I was focused on driving and getting to Monterey with my weary car.

By the time we reached the town, my youngest was upset, my oldest annoyed and I couldn’t believe that everyone in my engaged daughter’s circle were having problems in their marriages. She showed her sister the venue, they shared some ideas, not at all agreeing, comments about how awful being married continued to come up,  the entire time,, I kept my comments to myself. I was busy processing it all.

I pointed out an antique store down the street from the venue, and suggested we go inside before lunch to see if we can find table decor for the venue since the theme nowadays is very Gatsby. While inside, the song Sway came on, and although the three of us were tense from all the negative conversation outside, we hummed to the tune, Sway being our favorite song, and a classic connection the three of us shared. I smiled to myself, not making a big deal of it all. I was glad that for 3 minutes the three of us agreed on something…

But I Don’t Want to Watch Your Kids. I Want to Travel.

propertyofalifefromasuitcaseIt’s the weekend again, and my older daughter, who’s in town helping out her old job get it together, or hire her replacement, or whatever the real reason for her being here is, drove to the city as normal on Friday to save money on her housing in a near by military base. I’ve come to realize that is the only reason she comes over, and not because she misses us really or wants to spend time with me or her sister.  I am also sensing a rift between the two, and it’s breaking my heart. But I will leave that story for another day.

Anyway, when she arrived yesterday she told me she was considering going back to college to get her Masters, and perhaps even join the military before she had a baby. I asked how she planned to raise a child if she were deployed, and she said ‘that’s easy, the baby would live with you, and you would also have to take care of my dogs.’

I was hoping she was just kidding. But she wasn’t.

I choked, although did my best to hide it. I don’t want to watch her children, not long-term anyway. I have no intentions of being that type of grandmother. In fact, I was sort of looking forward to number 2 getting married, so I could breathe a little and be less responsible, travel and explore and write and take photographs. I married young, had children very young, and I am still young, and no longer want to complicate my life by possibly raising more (her) children which now I can see her doing to me.

Oh dear God!

{photo I took of the untraditional cake I bought for my brother’s birthday}

A Funny Thing Happened At Work

propertyofalifefromasuitcaseThis morning, I decided to go into the office much later, since I have dinner plans somewhere near my job. I woke up feeling great. The weather bright sunny warm day ahead, and even my commute was pleasant-all the trains and buses connecting perfectly.

I grabbed my mug and walked to the kitchen to get coffee like I always do. I usually keep my headphones in. But one co-worker tapped me on the shoulder to ask a question:

He wanted to know what happened to the pretty employee on our team?  I said, I’m right here. And he said, yes you are still good-looking but the pretty one, the one all the other employees here lust over. (Picture my face) I forced a smile, and walked away wishing I could just bunch him-not so hard, but enough to let him know how rude that was. But then again, I am a confident person, so his observation is his loss. 😉

{photo I took in San Francisco during one of my lunchtime walks. What a cool bow and arrow}

 

 

 

Daughter No 2 – Who I Hardy Talk About

prooperty of alifefromasuitcaseMy youngest works downtown, so we meet up for lunch every day. I figured this is a good thing because after she gets married, she moves away for four years (military). Yes number 2 is also marrying military.

So, while we ordered our lunch from an eatery on the top floor plaza of a mall, I sat down, both of us realizing right away that we needed to get our own utensils. She offered, and I busied myself with taking photos as always with my cell phone to add to my blog entries. Although, I kept a watchful eye on her as she walked across the long outdoor restaurant to get the utensils. I realized then and there how hard it must be for her to plan a wedding without her fiance around. He is stationed somewhere far away at this moment. It occurred to me I needed to ask how he was doing to find out how she was feeling, and she filled me in.

He has a cold, has to prepare for an exam, both physical and mental, and he misses her. She misses him, wishes he was around, and doesn’t know how to tell him she wants to go to Hawaii for their honeymoon, since he is set on the Bahamas.   (I am hoping it’s a deterrence, and he  really is planning on taking her to Hawaii, her dream paradise.)

I felt bad for her, and wanted to give her a hug, but I didn’t. We were busy rushing back to work, she had a meeting.

After work she called me to see if we could meet at a nearby mall so she could show me what she wanted to buy her bridesmaids as gifts. I was in the middle of working out, and promised her I’d meet her in the store in thirty-minutes.  She sighed, but agreed to wait around until after my workout.  When I rushed over to the store, breathless and sweaty, I found her holding a basket full of knick knacks, waiting inside the store, expressing to me she’d been there the entire time because they only had two of the bracelets she wanted to buy and since it was a no return policy, she wanted my approval. Suddenly, I saw the little girl that she once was right before my very eyes, and again felt the urge to hug her, but didn’t. I was sweaty, she was on a mission, showing me her selection  of a few costume jewelry pieces on sale, including  a small necklace with a charm of California, a symbol for her when she leaves this wonderful state. My heart was breaking into pieces watching her, and I don’t know why? Or maybe I do…

{photo of the old Emporium department store ceiling they kept in a more modern mall in San Francisco. I wish the Emporium was still around}

I Want To Dance Again

tumblr_mywaz9ZkrD1scgsiao1_500It’s funny how our busy schedules don’t allow us to do a lot of things we truly enjoy, or maybe we choose not to make time for some of the things in order to fit in all our responsibilities and family obligations.

I realized just last night on my way home, while a very sensual tango tune played out in my earbuds, that I hadn’t danced for ages. I used to dance every chance I got, but somehow as I shuffled the priorities in my life (over the past 15 years or so), I left that part out. I had no idea how much I missed it until yesterday.

So, starting tomorrow, I am going to wake up at five, and dance by myself for half an hour or more depending on the playlist, and I will do so twice to three times every week at five in the morning before the world wakes up…

{photo source: here}

Walking The Street Of San Francisco

property of alifefromasuitecaeFullSizeRenderOdd that I did that this morning. Well not really. It’s been chaos at work, probably the worst kind and not really worth complaining about since this type of chaos is a result of mismanagement, and the inability to plan accordingly.

So, I woke up and decided taking my time getting to work. Although I ended up taking the express bus at the train stop by my house, getting me downtown ten minutes earlier than the norm. I plugged in my music (Carli Bruni Station on Pandora), and stepped off the bus, right away admiring the affects the morning light had against the buildings, beckoning me not to go into work just yet.  That’s when I realized there was still some life left in me, and I needed to nurture it. So I went for a walk, the long about way to get to my office building, and that extra 20 minutes was the most therapeutic thing I’d done in a long time.  Just sayin’.

{photo I took this morning at seven in the financial district San Francisco}

 

Several Days And Nothing Really To Say

FullSizeRenderA few days have gone by and I honestly have nothing important to record on paper or in this case on a blog. When I started the 365 day challenge, I had lots to say, and I still do. But I don’t really want to tell too much. Although it was funny, that on my author page, someone asked me who the leading man would be in my first two novels, which are part I and II to a very long story. I reported that it would be Lloyd Owen or Clive Owen for part I, and Chris Pratt for part II.

I kind of enjoyed thinking that perhaps someday my stories would turn into films, not as fancy as Fifty Shades of Grey, or Harry Potter, but a cute story most women over 40 would appreciate. I am proud of the work I have done with those books, even if on some days, I doubt myself. When I do, there are signs, signs that pull me out of my insecurity, and make me believe that I am on the right track.

Just last night, as I reflected on my story telling skills, a character in a movie I was watching said in a round about way,  that it is scary to put yourself out there, and it takes guts to withstand criticism -not too many can do that. Now, if only I can remember that…

{photo in Vegas – December 2014 – Venentian Hotel pretend piazza somewhere in Italy}